The End Of A Dream

A Moment of Sheer Joy

2010-10-01T12:18:00.007-05:00

For months now, I haven't been able to write anything. In the beginning, I would sit at my computer and blankly stare at the keyboard. For some reason, words refused to come. As the weeks turned to months, I just avoided blogging and journaling all together. In fact, not only did my writing cease, I also slowly stopped sharing my heart with people and pretty much stopped communicating in general. Stuck in silence....

This week, three things happened that actually made be want to write again. (I will probably post them in three separate posts.) I am still processing their significance, but since I feel compelled to write, I might as well get the words out before they disappear.

A couple of days ago, I took Abigail to town in attempt to distract us from the fact we were so tired, and help us cope with jet lag. It was dusk, but I decided to stop at a park and let Abigail run around for a bit. When we arrived at the playground area, there were only three other people. Two men in their late twenties/early thirties and a boy of about 4. At first, I thought it was a bit strange that all three of them were on the bouncy bridge part of the playset. I typically don't see grown men on playground equipment. As Abigail rushed off for the slide, I studied them a bit more closely. After watching them for a few minutes, what was happening was began to dawn on me. One of the men was blind, and the other two were showing him around the play equipment. They helped him across the bridge, up a few steps, slide down a pole, and climb a ladder. I was mesmerized as I watched him painstakingly work his way over to the monkey bars. I watched as the man's friend showed him the bars and then forced him to try to hang on the bars and work his way across them. I could see the uncertainty on his face each time he moved one of his hands. As he waved each hand desperately trying to find his next handhold, my heart broke for the man. Despite all of his concentration and determination, he only made it about halfway across the span before he fell.

As I watched my three-year-old daughter and the other little boy easily navigate the play equipment running and laughing, I wondered how frustrating, difficult, and humbling it must be to live every day having to ask for help to do things that even a three-year old-can do easily.

Not long after the monkey bars, the blind man's friend led him over to the swing set and helped him get settled on a swing. As the man began to pump his legs, his whole demeanor changed. His face took on a look of awe and wonder. His stark white teeth stood out against his dark skin as he broke out into a huge grin. He let out half-laugh, half-shriek of pleasure as his swing went higher and higher. I can't recall the last time I saw any one's face covered with such sheer joy. For a moment, I was almost jealous. He looked like he was enjoying himself so much. I secretly longed to jump on a swing, close my eyes, and try to catch a glimpse of the joy he was experiencing, blindly swing with the wind on his face.

For the next 30 minutes, the man swung back and forth, the smile never leaving his face. A few times, I think I even heard him humming. As darkness closed in, I packed up my daughter and left the park. In my rear view mirror, I could still make out the man's swinging, smiling face as I drove away.

Even though it has been two days, I can't quite seem to shake the image from my mind. While I don't know this man's story, I can imagine that life is not easy for him. I watched him struggle across a set of monkey bars, only to see him moments later swinging in joyful abandonment. He could have been so consumed with his struggles that he didn't enjoy the swing, or he could have been so concerned with what other people might think of a grown man shrieking with joy on a swingset made for children that he held himself back. However, he didn't care what anyone thought. Instead, he seized the moment and enjoyed it to the fullest.

That man probably did not even know I was at the park watching him, but he has inspired me to look for moments of joy amidst the struggles of life, and truly relish them when I find them.

Christmas in a Blizzard

2010-01-15T07:28:00.003-06:00

This year, we went to the farm in Iowa for Christmas for 9 days. We arrived just before a blizzard hit and spent most of our vacation snowed in. Even though we probably only got about 18 inches of snow, every time the wind blew the little county gravel roads became impassible. While I did get good time with my parents and sister, I barely got to see my brother's family. I also didn't get much time to spend with my friends and extended family. There is just something about being snowed in that leaves me feeling claustrophobic. Overall, it was an okay trip, but I was so looking forward to it that I left feeling a little disappointed.

Make-Up Day

2009-12-20T08:03:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was paying bills and doing all my end of the year bookwork when I realized that Abigail was being too quiet. I thought she was playing in her room, so I decided to check on her only discover she was not there. I found her upstairs in my bathroom. She had gotten into my eye shadow and applied it to her face with my blush brush. She looked at me and said, "I so pretty, Mommy."

Samson's Christmas Letter

2009-12-15T20:45:00.003-06:00

Here is our 2009 Christmas Letter.

Samson Dog's Christmas Letter

Choosing Thankfulness?

2009-11-03T05:53:00.004-06:00

I hate time changes. It is one thing if you are travelling, but it is something completely different if you are at home and out of the blue your whole schedule changes. All this to say, for the second day in a row, I woke up at 4:30am, and there is no way I can go back to sleep. I finally just gave up and curled up in my chair with a cup of coffee.

I guess some good is coming out of my early morning wake up. I am actually taking some uninterrupted time to read and pray. Unfortunately, that seems like a rarity for me these days. Here's the Bible passage that caught my eye this morning.

Psalm 8 (NIV)

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

(I'm going to share my personal thoughts on this passage and why I connect with it this morning. However, this is purely devotional and not by any means an exegetical study of this passage)

This is not one of the passages that most people talk about a lot, but somehow it seems to resonate with my heart this morning. Right now, I can relate to David in the first few verses. How long am I going to have to struggle? How long will I feel distant from the Lord? How long will I have to wrestle with my thoughts and deal with the sorrow in my heart?

I don't connect with the next couple of verses as much because I can't really think of any foes that are bothering me, unless you consider a particular sin a foe that is trying to overcome me.

I think the last two verses are why this passage really stood out to me this morning. Despite the fact that David felt far away from God and was wrestling with his thoughts, sorrows and enemies, he chose to trust in God's unfailing love and even came to the point of singing thankfully to the Lord for all of the good things things in his life.

Here are the questions that have been plaguing me this morning. How did David and his writing go from a place of complaining about feeling far away from the Lord and being overcome by enemies to a place of trusting and praising God in just a few verses? Was it just a mental decision? Did he just decide that despite his feelings he was just going to choose to trust God and be thankful for salvation and the good things in his life? Did his perspective, perception of God and feelings change just by choosing to trust God's love and choosing to be thankful?

I am not completely sure our struggle with distance from God and sorrow can completely change just by choosing trust and thankfulness, but I think it warrants some further consideration. This passage has caused me to want to try an experiment over the next few days. Each time I complain (in my heart and mind) about feeling far from God, overcome by sorrow or sorry for myself, I will try to choose to be thankful for the good things God has given me in my life. Maybe it is a bit of a simplistic application of this passage, but I am hoping that choosing to thankfulness and trust will change my current perspective on the nearness of God.

I'll keep you posted on the result.

Confession

2009-10-29T22:15:00.005-05:00

Usually I'm not much of a TV watcher, but since Jason died, I've been watching it more often. However a month or two ago, my sister got me hooked on watching Korean TV dramas online. Since, I started watching them, I don't even want to admit how many hours I've wasted in front of the computer. I've fallen behind in my housework. I haven't started any new projects. I rarely leave my house in the evenings. I stay up way too late, way too often. I haven't read a book or wrote a meaningful email in a long time. I think it actually has become an addiction.

The other day I was trying to figure out why I've become addicted, and a sad realization hit me. It is way easier to watch other people living their lives than it is for me to live my own. Right now, my world is pretty small. Since I am fairly new to the community, I don't have very many good friends here. Yes, I know a fair amount of people, but I don't have very many people that I've opened up to and really gotten to know well. It takes so much effort to build new friendships, and I always feel like being a widow, there is an elephant that follows me around and everyone wonders what to say to me...afraid they might upset me or make me sad. It makes for awkward relationships, especially in the initial stages. Aside from not having many friends, I have mostly been working from home lately, so some days I don't even leave my house. I can go three or four days without seeing anyone but my two year old and maybe one of my two co-workers. Needless to say, my life is kind of lonely right now, and not filled with very many relationships of any kind.

Therefore, it is easy to crave the kind of relationships I see in these dramas. People surrounded by family and friends, and while their lives maybe kind of crazy, they are connected to each other and fun things are happening. Every time I finish watching a drama series, I feel a little bit bereft because all of a sudden these people I've spent hours watching are now gone from my life. Their stories are over, and I no longer have a connection to them. However, I still love to watch them, because I know that no matter how tough things look they always have a happy ending in the dramas. Couples fall in love and tough stuff usually comes to a resolution.

So where does that leave me....I'm feeling convicted about living my life vicariously instead authentically engaging other people. However, I'm also feeling, tired, lonely and not quite ready to put forth the effort to start pouring into people because I know it will be hard. It is far easier to watch other people struggle through the ups and downs of relationships than to struggle through them myself. Although, right now I feel like I am wasting my time and my life away. Whereas, if I was actually pouring into real people, I know I wouldn't feel that way at all.

For the most part, whenever I have a realization like this, I am tempted just to beat myself up for my mistakes and continue on in the same direction. I know if Jason were here, he would tell me, "That's great lesson, Honey, but what are you going to do about it?"

Here are my resolutions:
1. Invite someone new over to my house for dinner, or make a plan to meet someone for coffee or dinner
2. Call at least three friends I haven't talked to in a while.
3. Call my counselor tomorrow and make an schedule an appointment that I've been putting off for two months.
4. Limit my TV/drama intake to only the time I'm working out on my treadmill.
5. Plan some sort of outing or event this weekend.
6. Read at least one book in the next two weeks.

Okay, so my list isn't earth shattering, but hopefully it will get me moving in the direction of breaking my addiction and starting/continuing real relationships. If you are reading this, perhaps you can help keep my accountable.

Abigail's Birthday

2009-10-09T18:13:00.002-05:00

I'm only about a month late with this, but for those of you not on Facebook, here is a little video we made on the day my baby girl turned two.

Writer's Block

2009-10-09T17:40:00.005-05:00

I haven't written any blog posts for about six months. While I'm not much of a writer, I still have been suffering from writer's block. At first, I just blamed it on being busy, but the longer I didn't write the harder it became for me to sit down and write. After taking time off, it is kind of intimidating to start blogging again. So much has happened in the last six months, but I don't even know where to start.

Not only have I've been suffering from writer's block on my blog, I kind of feel like it is plaguing my entire life. I've found myself ignoring emails, avoiding writing prayer/support letters, struggling to find words to write on projects for work, and avoiding facebook chats and long messages. I'm not even journaling.

In addition to avoiding written words, I have also been avoiding verbal communication. For the most part, I've barely called anyone on the telephone. I've been blaming it on the spotty cell phone reception at my house and the fact that no one really calls me unless I call them first, but truthfully I think I'm just avoiding connecting with people. When I do talk to people, I keep it pretty light and short. Since I'm still relatively new to the community, I haven't developed many deep local friendships, so I don't even have that many face to face conversations. Sometimes the only people I talk to all day long are Abigail, and maybe one of my two co-workers.

Overall, there is has been a lack of words in my life the last couple of months. It is starting to wear on me a little bit, and I'm feeling lonely. I know I'm the only one to blame, since I haven't made an effort. So this is blog post is an attempt to break the silence and perhaps combat the plague of writer's block.

I kind of feel silly even posting this, but perhaps putting something out there it better than continuing in silence. Besides I doubt anyone even reads my blog anymore due to my silence.

Recent Pictures

2009-03-14T23:39:00.003-05:00

I've haven't posted any pictures in a while, so here are a few.

Recent Craftiness

2009-03-14T23:31:00.004-05:00

Recently, I've been a bit more crafty than normal. A few weeks ago, I made a wall hanging for Abigail's room. I got the idea from a kids decor magazine. I think it turned out pretty cute, and it wasn't too difficult.
When I was in Denver last week, I decided to make some curtains for Abigail's room. My Aunt Carolyn helped out with the sewing. I think they turned out cuter than anything I could find in the stores. Thanks Carolyn.

Abigailisms

2009-02-17T23:49:00.009-06:00

At 17 months, Abigail is getting into everything and becoming more of a character every day. Recently, she had been cracking me up. Here are a few examples:

This morning, I was getting Abigail ready to go to MOPS. As I was holding her and pulling a cute little sweater out of the closet for her to wear, she looked at me and said, "No, no, Mommy." Then she pulled a little denim dress out of the closet and said, "Please." Of course I gave in an let her wear the dress. Watch out world...my 17 month old wants to dress herself. I'm in trouble!

Lately, Abigail has really been into putting things on her head. If she finds a washcloth, the first thing does is put it on her head and parade around the house like she is wearing the most beautiful hat. Not only is she putting washcloths on her head, she's been digging through my dirty laundry pile and putting clothes over her head so they cover her eyes. Then she is toddling around the room at full speed until she trips over or bumps into something and falls down. She will squeal with delight and just do it over and over. I definitely think I have a thrill seeker on my hands.

The last couple of nights, Abigail has had a cough. I've been letting her sleep with me, so I can keep an eye on her. Twice I've caught her talking in her sleep. Guess was she says....She says, "please" over and over again.

Last week I found the TV remote on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I know I didn't put it there.

Her new phrase is "Okie dokie."

I had a meeting at a coffee shop last week. Abigail was getting bored, so I let her play with her diaper bag. She pulled out her diaper ointment called "Butt Paste" and gave it to guy that I've never met before a the next table.

Ah...my little love keeps me on my toes and with a smile on my face.

My Favorite Valentines' Day

2009-02-14T07:32:00.006-06:00

Jason was one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and creative guys in the world. He always came up with fun creative ways to surprise and pamper me. This morning, I was thinking about my favorite Valentines' Day.

The year we were dating, Jason invited me to his apartment after work. I really had no idea what to expect because when Jason had asked me what I wanted to do for Valentines' Day, I'd told him that I wanted to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the local playhouse. He said he thought that would be fun, but he didn't have a lot of money because he had recently had some major car repairs (aka...he was saving for an engagement ring).

When I arrived at his apartment I discovered a vase with a rose surrounded by candles on the front porch. Next to the vase sat a card. Inside the card was a poem that Jason had written for me about how hearts change when a boy meets a girl. At the end of the poem there was a note telling to me knock once and then enter.

When I open the door, I discovered Jason sitting on top of the kitchen cabinets and the wall between the living room and the kitchen. Wearing overalls and a crazy hat with a wig, he was trying to play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on our friend's kid's violin. It was absolutely ridiculous! He told me he was my "Fiddler on the Cabinets!"

After I finished laughing at him, he climbed down and we watched the Fiddler on the Roof movie he'd rented. Very creative and fun! Way more memorable than going to the real show.

Abigail Says Hi!

2009-02-07T21:27:00.002-06:00

New Contact Info

2009-02-04T17:08:00.002-06:00

One of the hardest parts about moving is changing all my contact info. I don't want friends and family to lose track of me, especially since I ended up changing the cell phone number I had for 7 years. I just wanted to let everyone who reads this blog know that my phone numbers and address have changed. I would be happy to give you my new info, but I don't feel comfortable just posting it here. If you would like my new info, just shoot me an email. I'm also working on an update letter with pictures and the scoop on my new job, so let me know if you would like to be added to my prayer and newsletter list.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-29T22:03:00.002-06:00

I typed up this list for facebook, but I thought I would put it on here too for those of you who have not succumbed to the time wasting world of facebook.

I got a driver’s license, license plates, bank accounts, a new chiropractor, a new phone number and internet service today.
I like to think I’m a world traveler, but I hate to live out of boxes and suitcases. If I’m going to stay somewhere more than a few nights, I like to put my stuff in a closet or dresser.
I’m a sucker for cheesy Christmas movies. I try to watch one at least once a month, and during the month of December, they are pretty much all I watch.
Since I’m in the process of moving and painting, my whole house is a mess. There are not a lot of places for Abigail to play, so the other day I let her play in my bedroom. She managed to find my feminine products and throw them all over the room.
I love, love, love a candle-light bubble bath and a good book.
My dog has been sprayed by skunks at least four times in the last several months…including today.
I bought a Jeep in Nov, and I have already put 9,000 miles on it.
I love maps and directions. If I have been somewhere once, I can almost always find my way back.
I’m slightly jealous of my stay-at-mom friends.
I’m an extroverted introvert, and I hate having to make small talk.
I have cried more in the last year than the rest of my life combined (minus the baby years).
I never wear red, but I love painting at least one room in my house red.
One of my favorite things is listening to rain on a tin roof.
It takes me a long time to let my guard down and truly let people know I’m struggling. Perhaps that is why I find it easier to tell people personal things via my blog than in person.
I hate to be weak, needy or inconvenience anyone.
I got my first snowboard by winning a boxing match.
I think I’m addicted to coffee.
I hate cheesy Christian movies, lingo, signs, t-shirts and bumper stickers.
I didn’t really think I was a baby person, but I loved the entire process (minus the morning sickness) and I wish I could have more.
My favorite part of my day is walking in the door and hearing Abigail squeal and come toddling over to me.
I miss my sister Dawn more than I ever let on.
When I am really stressed out, I tend to procrastinate.
Lately I have been learning about hope…It is difficult concept to wrap my mind around. (Now these three things remain…Faith, Hope, and Love) After the hurt and disappointments of the last year, how do I live in a state of hope???
I am one of the world’s biggest klutzes. It is rare that I go and entire day, without spilling something on myself.
I wish I had a time machine.

Endings and Beginnings

2009-01-15T23:45:00.005-06:00

Today was my last day working for CP. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. On some level it seems like a normal day. The reality that I'm not working at CP full time, hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think the reality will set in for a while.

At the moment, I am excited about my next adventure and my mind is processing all of the details of the moving process. (How am I going to have all of my possessions packed in boxes and ready for the moving truck by Sat morning?) I haven't given myself much time to really process what is happening. I think I am kind of stuffing my heart and emotions, so that I can function.

Jenna has been a God-send to me. She has been living with me since Sept and taking care of Abigail. I know it must have been difficult for her, as I am still internally struggling, and I am not too much fun at home. After Abigail goes to bed, I pretty much retreat to my room or sit in front of a movie. Despite my lack of communication and hospitality, she has been a real gem. She often cooks, cleans, and does my laundry without being asked on top of caring for Abigail. In fact, while I was in Colorado interviewing, she packed up most of my house. Truthfully, I only packed one room and she did almost everything else. What an amazing and thoughtful young woman! I don't know how I would have survived these last several months without her. I'm definitely going to miss her when I move to CO.

While I am still excited about the move, the reality of leaving this house is beginning to set in. As rooms begin to feel empty, memories surface. Tonight I was just remembering the day Jason and I spent in the 18 inch crawl space under the house jacking up portions of the foundation and mixing and pouring concrete. Boy that was a doosie of a day. If I haven't told you the story, you should ask me sometime. I'll give you a hint...the day ended by Jason telling me that I looked like I just got vomited out of the belly of a whale.

I remember the time he screamed at me because I almost got his finger with a nail gun. The day we managed to heft a 500 pound wood and steal beam into the ceiling of the kitchen was also quite memorable. Just thinking about hanging siding on a 20 degree night using out headlamps to see what we were doing still makes me shiver. I also think of the time when Jason was throwing junk out of a hole in second story of our house, and I was neatly stacking it in the dumpster so we could save space and spend less money on dump runs. I rejoice in the fact that the two months we didn't have running water and had to use a port-a-potty in the front yard are now a distant memory.

There are so many memories in this house that we gutted and almost entirely rebuilt. The stories are endless. It is going to be so hard to leave this place.

Not only do we have stories about remodeling, we have endless stories from our days working at CP. Stories that make me laugh and cry. I can't even begin to recount our adventures and the ways we've seen God work through this ministry. I know in the end I am going to miss CP far more than this house of wood and stone.

Keep me in your prayers this weekend as I close the CP and the house on Warpath Drive chapters of my life.

A New Year, New Job, New Home, New State

2009-01-15T06:03:00.011-06:00

Sorry I haven't written a post in a while. I've been hesitant to blog until everything is official. So now that it is official....This week, I accepted a job at Cross Bar X Youth Ranch in Durango, CO. I will be their Office Administrator, and I couldn't be more excited!

God has really worked out the timing of the whole move, so I will be moving directly from my house in TN to my new house at the camp in Durango. However, the time table is a bit crazy. I just got home from my interview yesterday (Wed) and my moving truck is coming on Saturday (two days from now). Today (Thurs) is my last day working at CP, and I am planning to leave for CO on Sunday afternoon or Monday. As you can imagine, thing are a bit crazy busy around here.

I'm excited to tell you about the new ministry that I will be joining, but due to all the details surrounding packing and moving, I don't have the time at the moment. As soon as I get settled, I'll try to write a more detailed update.

In the meantime, here are a few pictures.

Colorado Girls

Fun in the snow

Our new home

The view from my bedroom window

Answered Prayer

2008-12-19T06:28:00.002-06:00

For those of you who keep up with my blog, you probably know that I quit my job last week. As of January 19, I was planning to be homeless and jobless. However, that may be changing. Yesterday, I received a call from my friend Tim. He works at Cross Bar X Youth Ranch in Durango, CO. We have been talking about the possibility of Cross Bar X hiring me to work to work in their office, develop their off-season retreat program, and work with their horses among other things. Basically, they want to create a new position to handle many of the tasks that their current team doesn't have the time to handle. However, they need board approval to create the position. Yesterday, Tim informed me that their board approved the position and they are flying me to Durango for an interview the first week of January. If everything goes well, I hope to be able to move my stuff directly from my house in TN to Durango in mid January, and start work at Cross Bar X by the end of Jan. I will be able to live in a house on the camp property and work full-time for the ministry.

This is a huge answer to prayer!!! I need to be out of my TN house in mid-Jan. I was kind of planning to put my stuff into storage and move in with my parents until I could figure out what is next for me. Now, it looks like I may be able to transition to the next step of my life a little bit easier and more smoothly. Praise the Lord and thank you for your prayers my friends!!!

Stress, Procrastination and Cute Pictures

2008-12-15T06:04:00.009-06:00

This year, I discovered that when I am under stress, I tend to procrastinate. When my to do list seems overwhelming, instead of tackling it, I do something else (or nothing at all). I know I am moving in slightly over a month, but since I'm still not exactly sure how or where, I haven't started packing. I know I am going to be living out of boxes for a while, and I don't want to prolong the boxes. In the midst of all of the turmoil in my life, I long for stability, so I've been pretending everything is normal instead of preparing for change. Case in point, this weekend, I played with Abigail, bought and made Christmas presents, sat in front the fire, and watched Christmas movies. I wasted a lot of time!

As soon as I found out I could stay in my home 30 days after closing, I put up my Christmas tree and nativity set. I know I should have skipped it, especially since we are not even going to be here for Christmas. For me decorations are a sign of celebration and stability, and I decided that was more important than packing and organizing. I have to say that I am enjoying my decorations. I'm thankful that my friends Jenna and Katherine helped me set them up because I think I would have blubbered through the whole process if I had to do it alone. Plus, I got some super cute pictures of Abigail "helping."

Homeless and Jobless

2008-12-11T05:32:00.012-06:00

On Monday morning, I took the big plunge and submitted my letter of resignation at work. As of January 16th, I will no longer be employed by CP. After almost 7 years of pouring my heart and soul into the ministry, I know I'll miss it. However, I think I made the right decision...I hope. For a few of you this may come as a shock. For those of you that have been in contact with me recently, you know I've been wrestling with my next step.

While the internet is probably not the best place to go into all of my reasons for resigning, here are a few of the main ones:

CP is just not the same without Jason. As long as I have been at CP, I've been serving with Jason, and it breaks my heart that he isn't here.

I have lost a lot of my passion and vision for CP. While I still love the ministry, I just don't have the energy, passion, and vision to move forward.

The office is moving to a Wilmore, KY about three hours away. If I want to stay with CP, I will need to move as well. I know that my days at CP are numbered, so it seems ridiculous to move my life to Wilmore, only to have to move again in eight months.

The shear work involved to move operations from TN to KY before next summer seems overwhelming and intimidating to me. I'm already exhausted, and the big push of the move has not yet happened.

Since Jason died almost a year ago, I've had to jump in and take over the reins to keep the day to day operations going. I have been so busy keeping things rolling that I don't feel like I have had time or space to really deal with my grief.

Since my only coworker lives in KY, I have been working all alone in the big empty office the past four months. It has been lonely, discouraging and depressing. I rarely see another person all day long, and I don’t think it is healthy for me to be alone so much right now. I need to be surrounded by other people and feel like I’m not alone in every aspect of my life. I desire to be part of team working toward a common goal.

I believe that CP will be better off, if they find passionate, energetic people to take my place.

So now you are probably wondering what my next step is. The truth is that your guess is as good as mine. I have a few potential job situations. I am really excited about one possibility, but realistically it might now pan out.

In the meantime, I need to be out of my house in TN on Jan 19th. At this point, I’m planning to put most of our stuff in storage and move in to my parents’ house temporarily until my next step becomes clear.

This was an extremely difficult decision for me. I wanted to be able to step directly from one job and house to the next, but I guess life doesn’t always work out the way you hope. While I am grateful that I have family and friends to fall back on, it is a blow to my pride.

I know I am in a unique and temporary situation. I still struggle with the fact that I am almost 30 with a child in tow, and I am moving back in with my parents. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was seventeen. Financially, I could rent an apartment or house, but it seems foolish to waste the time and money when I have no idea when and where I am going next.

I usually consider myself a fairly adventurous person, but with all of the trauma and transition I’ve had to face in the last year, I am craving stability, security and routine. Instead of moving in that direction, my life is becoming more unstable, less secure and anything but routine. What a wild, crazy, ride! I’m holding on (to God) for dear life.

Bittersweet News

2008-11-12T06:54:00.007-06:00

Okay here's my big news...Monday, I received an acceptable offer on my Crossville house, and I am the process of signing a contract with the potential buyers. Thankfully, the offer was not from the people with the three-week time frame, so I am looking at a closing date around December 15. That gives me one month to figure out what is next and make a move.

While having a contract on my home is a bit of a relief, I definitely have mixed feelings about it. After I found out about the deal I came home and balled my eyes out. I've always known this day would come, but now that it is here it is still difficult.

Jason and I put so much time energy and effort into this place, it going to be hard to leave it. We never planned to stay in this house; it was always going to be our fix it up and sell it for a profit house. (Unfortunately with the crummy market, the profit is not as much as I'd hoped for, but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.) Plus, I don't really want to stay in Crossville, so I know I have to sell the house.

Part of the reason I'm so on edge about the sale is because I don't know what is next or where I will be living in a month. I know I am needed and wanted at CP, but I feel lonely, tired, frustrated and burned out CP. The thought of moving my personal life alone with all of the work of moving the ministry to a new state is daunting and exhausting. I'm not sure I have the energy, drive and passion to thrive in such transition.

I have also been waiting to hear back about a few other job opportunities. I applied to two camps in Texas. One is definitely out, and I haven't heard anything from the other one. I'm not too hopeful. I also was really excited about another job op in CO, but I recently found out that while there is still a slim chance, it looks like they are planning to move in a different direction. (I was pretty bummed about it, but once again, it wasn't completely unexpected.)

Several friends have offered to open their homes to me while I figure out where I want to go, and what I want to do next. I'm extremely grateful for their offers. However, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of quiting a full-time job with somewhat flexible hours, tons of vacation and benefits where I know I am wanted and could be extremely helpful during a difficult time. It seems crazy to step away from that into unemployment or part time work while living indefinitely with friends or family. Accepting one of my friends' offers has the potential of being a time of healing and rest, but the uncertainty of moving with no job or concrete plans seems foolish in these uncertain economic times.

I think a lot of it comes down to pride and self-sufficiency. I want to be a mom who can financial take care of her family and provide a stable, loving home. I am not sure I am ready to take a leap of faith into the complete unknown at this point. While I know I have friends and family who will support me and take care of me if I need them to, my pride makes me hesitant to be dependent on them when I know I could take care of myself and Abigail. (Pride rears its ugly head...)

I know God is still on His throne and has a plan to give me hope and a future. However hope seems far away, and I am having a hard time discerning which direction to turn at the moment. I know it is not realistic, but I want a smooth, paved road with flashing neon lights.

All this to say....I'm thankful that I have buyers for my house, and I'm still uncertain about the future but leaning towards moving to KY with CP because I feel like the other doors are closing.

I Should Have Known Better

2008-11-08T05:47:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, I wrote a post about how my life feels stuck in a holding pattern. I guess I should have thought twice before publishing those thoughts because yesterday brought an interesting turn of events. (I guess it is kind of like praying for patience. If you pray for it, you better be ready.) Anyway, nothing is set in the stone, but my house has been generating a lot more interest lately. I've had 5 showings in 6 days. Late yesterday afternoon, my realtor called me. She said that she a family interested in making an offer, but they need to take possession in three weeks. She asked if that was even an option. I told her it could be a possibility for the right price.

I am not sure if I could make that happen or not at this point. Three weeks from now, I have to be at our biggest tradeshow of the year for CP, and it is a four-day event. It is always a bit busy getting things ready for it, not to mention the fact that I will be gone for four days. Plus, there is this little issue of not having anywhere to move. I had originally planned to close on a house in KY next week. If I had stuck to my plan, being out in three weeks would not have been such a big deal.

The fact that I am still not sure if I want to stay with CP or if I am going to pursue something else drastically affects my moving process. I have a lead on something I am excited about, but I won't even know if it is a possibility until the end of the month. All that to say, at this point I have no idea where I would go if my house sells in three weeks.

Now I am hoping that the offer won't work out, or God opens some semi-truck doors in the near future.

Crying baby...gotta go.

Holding Pattern

2008-11-07T06:58:00.010-06:00

Have you ever been on a flight where you are almost to your destination, and you end up stuck in a holding pattern. You're flying around in circles until whatever is holding up the process clears and you can safely land. You think about taking out a book or starting a conversation with someone next to you, but it seems kind of pointless. You know that shortly you'll have to put away your book or end your conversation, so you doubt that it is even worth the effort. Your mind skips ahead to the moment when your plane lands. You know you will be busy hitting the bathroom, finding your luggage or your connecting flight, figuring out your transportation or wondering if the person meeting you will be there when you arrive. Then your mind jumps even further ahead; you begin to think about your vacation/business meetings/homecoming. As you fly around in circles, you have nothing to do but think, plan, wondering and worry. You're not sure how long you will be stuck in the holding pattern. It could be two minutes or two hours...you just don't know.

Right now, my life feels like it is stuck in a holding pattern. I know that in a few weeks or months I will be packing up my whole life and moving. At this point, I'm not 100% where or when, but I know a flurry of activity is on the horizon. In the meantime, I'm feeling kind of lethargic and apathetic. It seems ridiculous to get involved in anything new or spend time pouring energy and effort into new friendships when I know I'm going to be leaving soon. I don't think I should start packing because the house is still on the market, and I don't want to try and keep it clean and organized while living out of boxes. While I know there are tons of little things I could and should be doing, I don't really want to do them. So I fill my days with my solitary work routine, playing with Abigail and keeping the house picked up. I should pick up a good book, but I don't want to have to think; I just want to be entertained. Therefore, I watch too many movies and lay around the house way too much. As I sit here waiting with nothing to do but think, wonder and worry, I hope I don't get into a pattern of spending my whole life wondering about the future and forgetting to live in the moment.

Mommy I Can Do It By Myself

2008-11-03T19:53:00.006-06:00

Lately Abigail has been asserting her independence. She is become more of a toddler and less of a baby. Here are a few recent pics.

Time Changes and Changing Times

2008-11-03T19:10:00.001-06:00

I used to like time changes until I moved to Tennessee and had a baby. I know we are supposed to like fall time changes because it means an extra hour of sleep, but I am not a fan! The last two mornings, Abigail awoke at 5:30 am. I know her internal clock says it is really 6:30 am, which means time to get up. However, the fact that my alarm clock says 5:30 makes me want to hurl it across the room, crawl back under the covers, turn off the monitor and pretend I don’t hear Abigail screaming for attention.

Not only do I dislike the way the time changes affect the mornings, I also hate the way they affect the evenings in TN. Crossville is the farthest east county in the Central Time Zone. That means that it gets dark an hour earlier in Crossville than it does in a town only 10 minutes away. Since the time change, it has been getting dark at 5:00pm. I know it has to get worse before it gets better. In December, it is pitch black outside by 4:15pm. For a girl who really likes the sunshine and playing outside, the fall time change is depressing.

Well, enough complaining about a change I can’t do anything about; let me fill you in on the many other changes in our lives. During the summer, I decided to continue working at CP for another year and make the move to Kentucky when the office moved this winter. I even found a house I liked in Wilmore and signed a contract. While this decision seemed to make a lot of sense, I have never had peace about it.

Several weeks ago, I was checking my email, when I discovered another Christian Camp in Texas was looking for a full-time Retreat Coordinator. Something about the ad resonated with me, so I decided to throw my name in the hat and see what happens. After filling out that application, I realized that I think that it is time for me to leave CP. As much as I love CP and know I have a lot to contribute during this time of transition, my heart just isn’t in it. Jason and I always ministered together at CP and is just isn’t the same without him. Plus, I don’t think it is healthy for me to go into the office and work all by myself for days and weeks on end. It is extremely lonely, and I need to work with other people right now. I need their passion and encouragement to rub off on me. I am tired of feeling the weight of CP on my shoulders, and I dread all the work and details involved in CP’s move to KY.

Truthfully, I feel bad that my commitment to CP is waning right now, but I think I need to take care of myself at this point. Lately, I can feel myself slipping back into depression. I am dispassionate, exhausted and apathetic. I miss Jason like crazy this month. My tears are coming more frequently instead of less frequently, and I feel like I am entering a whole new stage of the grieving process. I thought it was supposed to get easier with time, but it seems to be getting more difficult for me lately.

All of these doubts led me to cancel the contract on the house I was going to buy in Kentucky. I felt horrible going back on my promise, but I feel peace about the decision.

So what does this all mean? I’m not sure at the moment. After much prayer, I applied for a couple more camp jobs. I am also excited about one possibility that has come to my attention recently. In the meantime, I am planning on working at CP at least through the end of the year. I may decide to stay on and move to KY with the ministry in January, but truthfully, I think I will probably continue to explore other options.

I definitely covet your prayers right now, and if anyone has any ideas for my future, I’d love to hear about them.

Cute Little Duckling

2008-10-17T22:55:00.005-05:00

Today, Abigail tried on her Halloween costume that I bought for $2 on clearance last Thanksgiving. Isn't she a cute duckling?

CP News

2008-10-07T23:03:00.004-05:00

If you want to find out what is new at Confrontation Point, and you haven't already received the CP Newsletter via email or Facebook. You can check it out!www.confrontationpoint.org/publications/Fall_2008.pdf

Jealousy

2008-10-07T22:18:00.003-05:00

I don't normally think of myself as a jealous person. Overall, I am usually fairly content with my lot in life. However, lately I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy.

I first noticed it several weeks ago. I was in a coffee shop working via their wireless connection. At the next table, four moms with young children were chatting and having some Bible Study and prayer time. From the little bit of their conversation I overheard, I gathered that they were stay at home moms enjoying their weekly girl time. I was jealous that I had to spend my morning working.

Since that moment I have noticed feeling of jealousy creeping in. It usually happens when I see dads playing with their children or couples holding hands. When I hear songs on the radio about Daddy's little girls growing up, I have to change the station.

Recently, I found out that several of my friends are expecting their second and third children. I am happy and excited for them, but I am also a little jealous. Jason and I wanted a medium to large size family that was fairly close in age. We even hoped that I would be pregnant again by now. I glad my friends are building their families, and I know they will have struggles with multiple young children that I won't have to face, but still...I wish it were me.

As of September, my friend Jenna has been living with me and taking care of Abigail while I am at work. I like to call her the Nanny! I love Jenna, and her willingness to help me out, but I am jealous that she gets to spend all day with my little girl while I have to go work to support our family. I wanted to be the one to raise and care for my daughter.

I know that all of the people I am jealous of have their own set of issues and struggles. I also know that I have been blessed in tons of other ways. Even though Jason and I had four and a half great years of marriage, it is kind of hard for me not to feel cheated out of another 44 years. I am just praying jealousy doesn't overwhelm me. I don't want to become a bitter, self-centered woman, always wishing and longing for something else.

I know that godliness with contentment is great gain, but I'm struggling with the contentment part right now. (I struggle with the godliness part all the time).

My New House In Wilmore

2008-10-07T22:02:00.002-05:00

Here is a short slideshow of the house I am planning to buy in Wilmore. Unfortunately, the battery on my camera died, so I didn't get very many pictures.

Little Pumpkin

2008-10-04T22:15:00.002-05:00

A Cup of Coffee On Saturday Morning

2008-10-04T08:28:00.002-05:00

This is the first time in ages that I've had a lazy Saturday morning, and I am loving it. Abigail, woke up at about 6:30 am ready to go for the day, and I couldn't persuade her to go back to sleep. However after a little breakfast, she is as happy as a clam to scoot around the room playing with her wooden blocks, magnets, and Little Mermaid Cell phone. Her ability to entertain herself is allowing me some leisurely time to snuggle in my favorite chair with my cup of coffee and take a deep breath.

After five months of busy Saturday mornings, I am relishing every moment! (Okay, the second after I finished typing that sentence, the dog started barking at a neighbor. I went to call him, and when I returned I discovered that Abigail had scooted under the end table and couldn't figure out to get free. After freeing and comforting her, I am back.)

I don't have tons to say this morning because I am just trying to relax and forget about all of the big life decisions and details that are hanging over my head. Fall is in the air and I am kind of excited for the changing season and a bit homesick for the farm. Every year for the past six years, I have been in Iowa in October for harvest. Jason always loved driving the combine and working with Dad in the cool fall weather. We both enjoyed a week or two of family, fun, and farm life.

Today, I don't have a huge list of things that I have to accomplish immediately, so I am contemplating taking bit of a leisurely day. I think Jenna and I might even take Abigail to a local pumpkin patch and corn maze, which is a close as we can get to fall on the farm in Crossville. I'm sure it can't begin to compare to going to Vala's in Gretna, NE with my brother's family, but hopefully, it will at least provide some good fall photo opps with Abigail.

A relaxing cup of coffee always make me think and evaluate my life. Currently, I have been so busy with all of the crazy changes in my life that I haven't even taken the time to reflect. Lately I have been missing Jason like crazy. I miss having him to bounce ideas off of help me make decisions. I miss snuggling under the covers and on cool fall mornings. I just miss sharing life.

I don't know if missing him hurts more or less than it used to. I think the grief has changed a little bit as the reality of him being gone forever sets in. I know I have to keep moving forward and taking the next step. However, with all of the big changes of life and work (selling and buying houses and cars, moving to a new town in a new state, new job responsibilities and co-workers, life with a toddler, tons of traveling)I am reeling and wishing that at least one thing in my life would remain the same.

The other day one of my acquaintances asked me, if I had started dating again. I'm sure I gave her the most incredulous look. My mind can't even begin to grasp the concept of dating again. I still feel like I am married, and I'm definitely not even thinking along those lines. Her question caught me off guard, and I gave her some sort of vague negative answer. However, I was kind of frustrated with question from acquaintance. What gives people the right to think that they could or should ask questions like that so soon after the death of my nearest and dearest friend and companion?

Okay, I should I just finished the last sip coffee, so I should quit rambling and start my day.

Before & After

2008-10-02T22:28:00.007-05:00

After three long years of gutting and remodeling, our home is finally completed. Several of you have been bugging me for pictures of the changes. Unfortunately, we did not get very many before pictures, but I did put together a slideshow with some of our pictures. You can check it out my previous post(Before Remodeling).

If you want to see the finished project you can check out the Welcome To My Home link below. (If you scroll about halfway down the page, you can take a "virtual" tour.)

Welcome To My Home

Before Remodeling

2008-10-02T22:23:00.001-05:00

Tilt-A-Whirl Life

2008-09-30T23:13:00.005-05:00

Have you ever ridden on a tilt-a-whirl at a fair or amusement park? At first glance, a tilt-a-whirl looks like a tame ride, especially in our world of crazy six-story roller coasters. Sometimes to throw you off, and make you feel secure, they make cars in innocuous shapes like teacups. However, if you’ve ever ridden one, you know that as the ride revolves, certain sections of the platform are raised and lowered causing the cars to spin randomly. You never know which way your car is going to spin. One minute you could be spinning one way, and the next minute you're spinning like crazy in a completely different direction. Unlike the predictable roller coaster, every ride is unique as you whirl chaotically.

The last few weeks and months my life has been one gigantic tilt-a-whirl ride. I feel like my world has been spinning faster and faster, and as soon as I finally adjust to a spin pattern, all of sudden I’m careening in a completely different direction at breakneck speeds.

Since everything is whirling by so quickly, here are a few bullet point highlights since my last real update on August 28th.

I signed a contract on a house in Wilmore, KY. I am supposed to close on November 15.

Abigail turned one, and we had an impromptu party in Wisconsin with some of my college friends.

Abigail is still not walking, but her butt scoot is hilarious. (See video below).

I survived my 5 year anniversary, by working myself to exhaustion finishing all of my landscaping projects.

I frantically finished up most of the projects around the house, and officially put my Crossville home on the market last Wednesday.

Abigail had her first horseback ride, and she loved it. Hopefully, I'll have a little horse-lover on my hands.

My friend Jenna is living with me. She is Abigail’s nanny while I am at work. While I love Jenna and all of her help, it is taking me a bit of time to get used to sharing my home again.

Some days I am excited about my new home. Other days I regret spending more money than I planned to spend on a larger home than really wanted.

I got to see some of Jason’s best friends when I was in Wisconsin. I was a little apprehensive about it, but it turned out to be so good for me just to spend time with people who know and love Jason.

We spent a whirlwind weekend and Jason’s mom house in North Carolina. Abigail was spoiled rotten by her Nana, Aunt Jessie and Cousin Tyler.

I think I have gained about eight pounds due to stress, poor eating, and lack of exercise.

While I was at a wedding, I caught this nasty, super-contagious flu bug, which I brought home and spread to Jenna and one of my friends. (Unfortunately the bride and groom also caught the bug.)

I bought a new bedspread and finally moved back into the master bedroom. It is sooooo good to be back in my own bed again.

I went my first wedding in a river, and I have to say that it was probably the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever attended.

If you call me, Abigail might say “hi” and “bye-bye” to you. She is starting to get the hang of talking on the phone.

I am excited about my new house being across the street from a park within walking distance of most everything in town.

I’ve decided that rich, disrespectful, private school eighth graders and not my favorite.

Abigail has started throwing all of the food she doesn’t want on the floor for Samson.

Over Labor Day Weekend I went to four picnic/potlucks in three days.

I’ve started making my bed every morning…it actually feels good and makes me more motivated to keep the rest of the house tidy.

White Chicken Chili is one of my comfort foods.

I’ve been keeping myself so busy lately that I haven’t been taking much time to think, process, and mourn.

Last week, I thought my car with 180,000 miles died for good. Thankfully, $133 and new speed sensor later, I am back on the road again. However, I am still kind of shopping around for a more dependable, lower mileage car.

I hate being in a huge office all by myself for days on end, so I have started working from home once or twice a week.

Abigail’s favorite phrase is “Oh Yeah!” She probably says it 100 times a day.

Whew! That was a lot of random bullet points. However, I think my tilt-a-whirl life should be slowing down slightly next month. Although with my current house on the market and my impending move to Wilmore, perhaps it just a short calm before whipping me in another direction.

Butt Scootin' Baby

2008-09-24T21:04:00.006-05:00

Even though Abigail is now a year old, she is not yet crawling. However, she is getting around by scooting on her butt. I think it is hilarious, so I decided to post a little video for those of you not able to witness her antics first hand.

Birthday Girl

2008-09-07T21:12:00.008-05:00

Post Vacation Slump

2008-08-28T22:08:00.006-05:00

Well, I am back from a two week vacation. I spent the first week in Phoenix hanging out with a couple of my cousins. Overall a pretty relaxed week. Most of our time was dedicated to swimming, holding the new baby, and watching Olympics. My cousin Angie and I also found the most amazing coffee shop, so every day we walked 3 miles to get our coffee fix. Nothing earth shattering happened, but it was great just to relax with family.

Week number two we flew to Denver and spent a whirlwind trip visiting college friends and my Aunt Carolyn. Once again nothing major happened, but it was just good to be with good friends. My time in Denver was more difficult, because I was seriously missing Jason. Jason and I met in college in Denver, so even though we didn't date at that point, I still have tons of memories of him. Probably the most difficult day was the day, I stopped by CCU, my old college campus, and said hello to a few people I still know seven years later. I was constantly thinking about Jason.

My time in Colorado really made me miss living out west. I love the Rocky Mountains, and I think I would like to live out there again someday. I'm not sure if I will be able to afford it, but I think that I might start pursuing some job opps out west in the near future.

Abigail and I flew home on my birthday, because Tuesday is the cheapest day to fly (and my Dutch heritage keeps me a thrifty as possible.) It pretty much sucked (pardon my language, but I can't think of a better word) to come home to an empty house on my birthday. I have never been a huge birthday person, but Jason knew how much I secretly like people to make a big deal about holidays so he always did something to spoil me and make it super special.

I think the thing that made me the most depressed about coming home was the fact that when I woke up on Wednesday morning, I looked out in my backyard and discovered that while I was on vacation, someone started clearing the lot behind my house. I am no long surrounded by trees. Soon my beautiful new windows will overlook an ugly spec house, and it won't even feel like I live in the woods anymore. Grrr... (I know I am selling the house anyway, but I still hate it!)

Truthfully, vacation was great, but coming home is so hard, I'm not sure it was worth it. Being home makes the reality of life and its responsibilities hit me. Everything is changing so fast, and I am not sure I am ready for it.

For those of you who don't know; let me bring you up to date. This summer Confrontation Point (CP)hired a new Executive Director, Andy Bathje, to replace Jason. As part of the hiring process, the Board of Director decided to move CP's headquarters to Wilmore, KY where Andy currently lives. While the decision was complicated, it is a great opportunity for CP, and I believe that Andy will be an great leader of the ministry. However, it sucks for me. I either need to uproot my whole life and move to Kentucky, or I need to quit working at CP and figure out what is next for me. Either way, it involves a major life change for me.

After some prayer and a lot of practical reasoning, I decided to continue working at CP for at least one more year and move to Kentucky for now. I originally thought that the transition would happen slowly over the next six months to a year. However, things seems to be moving more quickly than anticipated. In fact, I am going to Wilmore, KY over Labor Day to start looking for a house.

The other day one of my friends commented that I am strong, independent, and I seem to be fine with the craziness of my life right now. The truth is I really am not okay. I am pretty much overwhelmed by everything. My parents still live in the same house where I was born and Jason and I kept our possessions to a minimum until we moved into this house, so I have never done a big whole house move before. I'm not really looking forward to it. In addition, I'm not too excited about starting over again. I am not the most open and social person, so it takes me a while to open up to people and make close friends. In fact, I lived in Crossville for four years before I really started to make friends and feel at home here. (While I want to believe that I am little miss adventurous world traveler, I kind of feel paralyzed by the thought of moving and the whole process of buying, selling, and moving houses not to mention moving everything for the ministry).

Okay, this post is kind of disintegrating into fear and complaining, so I should stop before everyone is as depressed as I am at the moment. If anyone is actually still reading this, I could definitely use your prayers the month of September. I think it is going to be and extremely difficult month. I will be finishing up a few things, and putting my house on the market. It is also a month of special holidays and traveling. Next week is Abigail's 1st Birthday, and Sept 20th would have been Jason and my five year anniversary. In addition, I am attending three weddings this month, and also visiting Jason's mom for the first time since the funeral. When I am home, I will be working alone at the office, since Andy is mostly working from Kentucky and we currently don't have anyone else on full time staff. I am also mourning the fact that I was originally planning to quit working and stay home will Abigail starting Sept 1st. I've got lots of stuff on my mind, so if I happen to cross your mind this month pray for me.

Vacation Photos

2008-08-27T22:12:00.010-05:00

Standing Up

2008-08-21T19:51:00.004-05:00

I am not planning to turn this blog into just pictures and stories about Abigail, but I don't have time to give the full update on me at the moment. However, today Abigail stood up by herself for the first time. Grandma and Nanny are far away, so they need to see pictures.

Humpty Dumpty, Transmission Fluid, Skunks and Fireworks

2008-07-30T23:56:00.001-05:00

Last week, we lost three months of computer files at work due to a hard drive crash. I’ve been sitting at my computer for at least 13 hours a day for the past three days trying to put the Humpty Dumpty of data back together again.

On top of working crazy hours, this morning, I found a puddle transmission fluid under my car. Two more days and $400 later, hopefully it will be up and running again.

When I got home from work tonight about 9:30pm, I discovered that Samson, my 115 pound Chocolate Lab, got sprayed by a skunk.

After a rather unsuccessful dog bath to get rid of the stench, I finally fell into bed exhausted. To help me fall a sleep, I was going to play a DVD on my laptop. For some reason I can’t get my nearly new laptop to recognize the DVD player that worked great a couple of days ago.

Striking out with the DVD player, I settled for just going to sleep. Just as I was drifting off to dreamland, one of my neighbors decided to set off a ton of fireworks.

So here I am smelling skunk, listening to fireworks, blogging instead of sleeping, and dreading the fact that I have to go into the office tomorrow on my day off to catch up due to the stupid computer hard drive failure.

Summer Pictures

2008-07-22T22:35:00.008-05:00

Breaking the Silence

2008-07-19T23:26:00.003-05:00

I've been contemplating writing a post for some time. In fact, I think I've started at least five different times, but I've never managed to actually finish a post. Now I've waited so long that I'm a bit intimidated to break the silence. So much has happened in the last two months, I don't even where to start. Perhaps, I can just summarize my last two months, with a series of bullet points instead feeling obligated to write a post about each not so significant event.

Our summer season started with training on May 10th, and everything has been whirlwind ever since May.
Abigail learned how to say "Mama"
CP hired a new Executive Director to take over for Jason.
You can buy a red, white, and blue mullet wig in Crossville, TN
I am hoping to put my house on the market around the first of August (Anyone looking for prime real estate in Crossville?)
I'm addicted to coffee and Gilmore Girls reruns
My sister visited for two weeks at the beginning of July. Hurray for time with my sweet sister.
I hate cell phone companies.
My job and place of residence after the summer are in limbo.
Crossville still has one of the best fireworks displays ever.
My parents have spent four weeks of the summer staying with me, watching Abigail, and helping finish my house and landscaping.
Yesterday I ripped a six inch hole in the butt of my shorts... Yeah, I'm cool.
I might be moving to Kentucky this fall
I need a vacation, so I booked plane tickets to Phoenix and Denver in August. I'm going to spend a couple of weeks visiting friends and fam.
I decided I'm officially crazy because I'm going to Phoenix in August...Can you think of a worse time to visit?
I'm trying not to think about the fact that next week would have been Jason's 33 birthday.
We ended up short staffed for the summer, so we've been pulling all kinds of past staff in for a week or two at a time. Overall, a scheduling nightmare.
I'm dreading the thought of packing of my whole life and moving...especially because I'm not exactly sure where or when....although I'm guessing soon rather than later.
Abigail and I might go to Korea in October if we can get our passport stuff together.
Only two more weeks left of summer mission trips...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can make it.
I still cry myself to sleep at least three nights a week.
Every Sunday, I get to spend hours making quesadillas. Sometimes, I even wear the world's largest sombrero
I'm stressed because the computer system crashed at work, and the person Jason always called won't be able to help us for several days, if not a week.
Abigail, isn't crawling yet, but she does this hilarious butt scooting thing. She can cross a whole room in about 10 seconds.
Several weeks ago, I was feeling impulsive, so I chopped off 10 inches off of my hair. It's the first time I've had semi -short hair in at least 10 years.
It's after midnight, so I should go to sleep. I have to leave for work about 6:30 am tomorrow...actually make that today.

Okay, I guess breaking the silence via random bullet points wasn't too bad. Perhaps next time, I'll fill you in on all the really big stuff that is happening in my life.

Of CP and Swimming

2008-06-10T22:57:00.011-05:00

For those of you who keep up with my blog, I apologize that I have been silent lately. The last month has been insanely busy as we just completed the training of our summer staff. The days have been long and the nights much shorter than I am accustomed to. I am mentally and physically exhausted, so I am not going to write much tonight, as it is already late.

Last Sunday was the first day of summer mission trips. To celebrate the end of staff training, Abigail and I dressed up in our new CP t-shirts. After all of the staff departed to meet their youth groups, we relaxed at the beach on the lake near our house. It was Abigail's first day swimming, so like every obsessive parent, I documented the day in photographs.

How Abigail Really Felt About Swimming

Prayer Request

2008-05-27T06:50:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure anyone will actually read this post this morning, but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. This morning we have a CPR & First Aid recertification class as part of our summer staff training. Unfortunately, my certifications expire this summer, so I have to take the class to remain current. Normally, I don't give the class a second thought since I have been taking CPR classes since I was in Junior High. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm scared that the class will bring up bad memories of doing CPR on Jason while I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I'm just not sure how I will react in the classroom situation, and I really don't want to lose it in front of all of the new staff members. I also am nervous that the class will somehow bring back my recurring nightmares about the night that Jason died. Anyway, if you happen to read this, I could really use your prayers this morning (Tuesday). Actually, I appreciate prayers any time but especially today.

Giving Up

2008-05-25T21:27:00.003-05:00

Tonight I decided that I'm officially giving up. I'm not going to write anymore thank you notes for a while, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Tonight I pulled out my bag to add some names to the list of people I still need to thank, and I discovered that at some point over the last few weeks, my system for keeping track of finished thank you notes broke down. I have no idea who I sent notes to and who I still need to send notes to. This process of writing notes has been hanging over my head for months. Every time I sit down to write, my emotions go haywire, and I always end up drained after only writing a few notes.

At this point, I'm just saying sorry to everyone that did not get a personal note from me. I truly appreciated each and every gift and word of encouragement! So many people gave me so much over the past several months. Someday, I'll have to write a blog post highlighting many of the amazing thoughtful things people have done for me.

The straw that broke the back of my thank you writing camel came in the mail about a month ago. When I got home from work a package was laying by the front door. Upon opening it, I found a bound book with a leather cover. The book was about the size of a high school yearbook. The cover was engraved in gold with the words, "In Memory of Jason Young." As I flipped through the book, I noticed that the first few pages were cheesy poems and words of advice about grieving. The back half was filled with summarized Bible stories and really bad illustrations of a pasty white Jesus in flowing robes. All in all, the book struck me as completely cheesy. I most certainly did not appreciate it, and I doubt if I'll ever look at it again.

Included in the package was a letter from the editor of the book explaining how local businesses had helped sponsor the gift. The letter noted that I should refer to the pages of sponsoring businesses printed in the book. For my convenience the publisher included 15 thank you cards, so I could easily thank all of the businesses for their generous gift to make this book possible. My first thought was, "You've got be kidding me!" Okay, I am a grieving widow, working full time with a small baby. I have a hundred things on my plate, and you want me to take the time and energy to send thank you notes to 15 businesses for a book I don't want and will never use. I have a hundred people I love and care about who have bent over backwards for me, and I don't have the time and energy to properly thank them. What makes you think adding more thank you notes to my list is a good idea?

(Moral of the story...if anyone ever approaches your business with a great idea to sponsor a cheesy book for people who have just lost a family member, say no thank you and walk away.)

Okay, enough raving about that stupid gift. I really am so incredibly thankful for everyone who continues to pray, encourage, and financially support me. You really are the people who help me get through the difficult days. Thank you one and all!

Photo Scavenger Hunt

2008-05-23T23:13:00.010-05:00

As part of our staff training, we did a photo scavenger hunt tonight. Here are a few pictures of our team.

I can't believe we all fit in here

Were's Waldo...Can you find us?

Scene from a movie...Cool Runnings

Crossvile Date Idea...A Night At the Revival

A Crossville Landmark

Entertainers

2008-05-16T22:32:00.008-05:00

This week, fun, new people arrived to entertain Abigail. I'm sure it's much more fun than her boring, old Mommy.

(Reading the Three Little Pigs with Grandpa)

(Shea & Tackett give Abigail a rolling office tour)

(Rebecca goes with the funny face approach.)

Summer Has Arrived

2008-05-12T22:39:00.003-05:00

I guess technically, summer is about a month away. However, for me, it is kicking into high gear. Last week, several of our summer managers arrived to help prepare for the summer. On Saturday, a group of our past staff members came and helped us move bunk beds and other equipment to the lodge we are going to be using for staff housing this summer. Their help was a tremendous blessing. Today our managers training began, and next Monday our staff training officially gets started.

While staff training is always a fun and exciting time, this year I am not quite sure how to process everything. I've enjoyed hanging out with the managers, and getting them started on their summer tasks. Their fun spirits and great company has been a good distraction for me. However, I also keep thinking how different things would be if Jason where here. He always played such a big role this time of year that I subconsciously think that somehow he will just jump in and take over.

I guess I am a bit apprehensive of my role with the staff this summer. I love our management team, and I have worked with a number of our staff members before. However, my life is so drastically different then theirs, I hope that I can still relate. I've been out of college for seven years. I'm a mom with a small child who needs love, attention, and routine. Now, I'm a widow. How do I relate to single college students 5 to 10 years younger than me, and at a totally different stage of life? How do I oversee and take care of them, when I can barely take care of myself and my child? How do I encourage and challenge them spiritually, when I am discouraged and spiritually challenged myself? How do I live, love and lead out of my weakness and brokenness?

Speaking of summer apprehensions, I am still concerned about our lack of summer staff. Our staff training is supposed to start next Monday. However, at the moment we are still about seven staff short. I'm still praying for a miracle, but God really is going to have to show up in a miraculous way if we are going to have a full team this summer. Please join me in prayer over this matter. Once again, if you happen to know any Christian college students who are available to work in ministry in Tennessee this summer please let me know, or send them to www.confrontationpoint.org!

The Saga of the Mice Continues

2008-05-12T22:12:00.003-05:00

Grrr.... I am so frustrated. My mouse problem was getting so bad, I gave up trying to catch them. I did some research and found a poison that is supposed to kill mice and instantly dehydrate them so they won't smell. I figured, I would poison the pesky little critters and then plug any holes I could find so more won't invade my home.

The initial stage of poisoning the mice, wasn't too bad. I put the poison out in high traffic areas, and I could tell that the mice were taking the bait. The a few days ago, I start smelling the distinct odor of dead mice. The past couple days, the slight odor has becoming an overwhelming stench. My whole house reeks, but I can't find the dead mice anywhere. The last couple of evenings, I have found excuses to go out, so I don't have to sit at home and deal with the smell.

Now, I am not sure which is worse, live mice or dead ones. I just can't win.

My First Mother's Day

2008-05-11T21:46:00.002-05:00

Technically, my first Mother's Day was 28 years ago. However, today was my first Mother's Day as a mom. My day was bittersweet. My day wasn't exactly bitter...just emotionally difficult. All day long, people kept reminding me it was Mothers' Day. After lunch, I ran some errands in town, and every where I went people stopped to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In Lowes, several people saw me carrying Abigail and stopped to ask me if it was my first Mother's Day. In the grocery store parking lot, some lady I didn't even know honked at me and opened her window to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. In the grocery store the clerk asked me about Abigail, and she made the comment that I shouldn't have to go grocery shopping on my first Mother's Day.

I know all of these people were being kind, and they were excited for me, thinking that I would be excited too. I am excited to be a mom. I love it! However, I'm not so excited about the holiday this year. Of course, I politely smiled at all of these people and kept of my end of the small talk. In my head, I was screaming at them things like, "No, my day is not happy.... I spent two hours crying, thanks for asking. .. I have to go grocery shopping because there is no one else to do it for me."

The bitterest part of the day was just the reminder that Jason is not here to share it with me. I know he would have done something romantic or thoughtful, because he always spoiled me on holidays. I also spent a couple of hours crying. I mourned over our family. We always talked about having a large family with several children. I never dreamed I would be a single mother raising one child by myself. I mourned the fact that I might not have the opportunity to give birth any more babies. I mourned over the loss of what we had planned for our life and family. I mourned over the loss of having Jason to share my joys, fears and responsibilities as a parent.

Okay, I am kind of dwelling on the bitter, but today also had sweet moments. Some of our summer staff managers arrived last week, and they've have been staying with me for a few days. It has been great to have the company. When, I went town to run my errands, they cleaned my house. I arrived home to a clean house, flowers, and a Mother's Day card from the gals. It was so thoughtful of them. I also received several phone calls and cards. One friend even sent me some money to spoil myself. My friends and family really stepped in and spoiled me today. They helped make a difficult day a little brighter.

Music & Memories

2008-05-07T23:16:00.003-05:00

I've never really been a music lover. As far as music goes, I can take it or leave it. Most of the time I prefer a book to music, and I seldom play music while I am working because I get too distract by the words. Riding in the car, is one of the few times I actually listen to music. Most of the time it is just the radio, since my thrifty Dutch upbringing cringes at actually spending money for music.

Since I'm not a music fan, I've never realized how many memories and emotions music evokes. Most songs lyrics reflect the extreme highs and lows of life and they are written by people when their hearts are overflowing. They tend to be about love or pain and grief. Basically, the things that I don't want to dwell on right now.

In the past few months, every time I turn on the radio, I usually have to change the channel 50 times or I end up sobbing uncontrollably. I enjoy one song, then BAM! The next song touches on a nerve, emotion, or memory, and I'm in tears before I know what hit me.

I tried listening to some of my own CDs, thinking that at least I would know what was coming next. However, the since Jason and I never owned many CDs, we usually listened to them over and over again, especially on road trips. Each song evokes a memory of our time together. Plus, the CD player in my car is on the fritz.

I tried driving around in silence, but I just need some background noise these days. Especially, since my house is so quiet.

Last week, I broke down and bought an iPod. I figured at least I can upload music and audio books that won't send me over my emotional limit until I'm am ready to deal with the next level of grief. The only problem is that because I'm not an avid music listener, I have no idea what music is good. I have a gift card for iTunes, but I haven't the foggiest idea what music to get.

Perhaps, you can help me. Do you have a couple of favorites or new songs that you enjoy and would recommend? For the most part, I like a wide variety of different genres. Really the only type of music I can't stand is heavy metal. My only other criteria has more to do with content than genre. No sappy love songs, songs about marriage, death, or daddies and their little girls.

Thanks for your help...Maybe I can enjoy music again. Perhaps someday I'll actually be able to appreciate the depth, emotion, and memories generated by music. In the meantime, I have to screen my music in order to keep from falling apart too many times throughout the day.

Doing The Next Thing

2008-05-05T22:08:00.004-05:00

I feel like I have been moving in slow motion lately. I've been working on a project that normally would have taken me three hours tops, but I started it last Wednesday. I'm still not finished. I am kind of getting frustrated that it is taking me so long, but apparently not frustrated enough that I make the sacrifices to finish the work.

Last night, I had big plans to get the fireplace room primed and ready to paint. However, as I started looking at it, I realized how much effort it was going to take for me to haul paint up and down the 10 ft scaffolding all by myself. As I was getting ready to get started, Abigail got really fussy and attention was the only thing that improved her mood. My lack of motivation compounded by Abigail's mood caused me to give up before I even got started.

Since we are cooped up in the office all day long, I decided to put Abigail in the stroller and go for a walk instead. After our walk, we rolled around on the floor and played with toys for about an hour before Abigail's bedtime. Originally my plan was to finish working after she went to bed, but I just couldn't summon the energy.

Later in the evening, I started processing why I just can get it together to finish anything. For one thing Abigail is getting pretty mobile, and I can't really leave her alone to play. Plus, I always feel bad for her because she is stuck in the office with me all day, and little girls need space to roll around and play. Secondly, I think this grieving process is sapping more of my energy than I realize. It takes me so much more mental strength and stamina to get through the day. Finally, I realized that things take me so much longer because I don't really want to do them without Jason. Especially working on the house. It was our project together, and I just don't want to do it alone.

Truthfully, I am mentally and physically tired, and I am trying not to stress out about how busy the next few weeks are going to be. Maybe I just need to focus on one thing at a time. In the study I am doing on grief they recommend "just doing the next thing." So I guess right now that means getting out of bed, taking a shower, and going to the office. (Oops, I guess I am looking too far ahead because that's three things.)

Praying For A Miracle

2008-05-05T20:15:00.003-05:00

Okay, I am trying not to stress out about the fact that our summer staff training starts in two weeks and we are at least eight staff short. I'm trusting God to provide somehow, but it would be a heck of a lot easier and less stressful, if we don't have to piecemeal our staff together each week. Right now I am praying that God will miraculously supply at least eight people by the time staff training starts on May 18th. We feel like we have tried every avenue we can think of, but we just can't seem to find Christian college students or recent grads who are willing and able to serve this summer.

I would appreciate your prayers in this matter. In addition, if you happen to know anyone who may be interested in the best summer job ever, have them contact me or visit www.confrontationpoint.org

Video

2008-05-05T20:15:00.001-05:00

Here is a video one of our past staff made to help us recruit summer staff.

Hammock Bliss

2008-05-04T16:45:00.002-05:00

It is late Sunday afternoon, and I wish you could see us right now. I'm sure we make a funny picture. Abigail and I are snuggled in our hammock surrounded by pillows and covered by a blanket. Abigail missed both of her naps today, so she is cuddled up next me fighting to keep her eyes open. She desperately wants to help me type, but she barely has the energy to put her hand on top of mine. Samson is sunning himself in the woods nearby chomping on on a stick. I have to say that hammocks are one of my all time favorite inventions. Somehow a lazy hour in the hammock manages to calm and relax me.

The weekend has been sort of busy. I've been trying to fix the mess that my drywall guys made. I am not a professional, but I have to say that they did a crummy job around the fireplace. I came up with a plan to fix it, but it is a slow and tedious project, especially since I can really only work when Abigail is sleeping. I thought about calling the guys and having them come back and fix it, but they gave me such a hard time about every little thing...they basically said that it was the best they could do. I don't think I'm too picky, but it is just not good enough for me. The only good thing about this last drywall project is the money. The other day, I went to transfer money from my savings account to my checking account to pay for the drywall and to pay the hangers and finishers. When I checked my account balance, I couldn't figure out why there was so much money in my checking account. (Not a bad problem.) After I dug a little further, I discovered that my economic stimulus tax return bonus (or whatever they call it) had been deposited to my account. I didn't expect my money so soon. Hurray for getting unexpected money back from the government. In fact, it was just enough to cover all of my drywall and finish work. I didn't even need to dip into my savings account. Sometimes God's timing is amazing!

I actually have a lot more to say, but now Abigail is snoring. Her sweet snoring is making me sleepy too. I think I'll join her and take a little hammock nap too.

My New Hat

2008-05-03T22:34:00.001-05:00

Sugar and Spice

2008-05-01T07:48:00.003-05:00

Some Beach, Somewhere

2008-04-30T23:09:00.002-05:00

Emotionally and physically, this week has been the toughest so far. For some reason today was particularly hard. I can't quite put into words why today was so difficult. It was just tough. All day I wanted to run away. If I didn't so much on my plate at work, I would have just hopped in the car and started driving. I would have gone to the beach or at least the ocean. It is kind of weird since I am not really a beach kind of girl. However, I just had a strong desire to get away from it all, watch the waves, and smell the salty air.

Random Thoughts

2008-04-28T21:32:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have kind of been at a loss for words. I have all kinds of random thoughts floating around in my head, but I haven't been able to string them together enough to make them into blog post. I decided just to do a post of randomness.

Truthfully, I am a private person. It is extremely hard of me to really be open, weak and messy. Jason was really the only person I let see the real messy me.
Currently, I still feel like I have to hold it together in front my friends and family, so I don't completely scare people away.
I feel like I am just trying to stay busy to keep from dwelling on my grief or having to deal with big decisions.
I still cry myself to sleep several nights a week.
The other night, I heard Samson snoring. Subconsciously, I thought it was Jason. In my sleep, I rolled over to cuddle him, only to wake myself up by smacking my head on the daybed post.
I am trying not be stressed out by the fact that we are still in desperate need of staff for this summer.
I am a bit concerned that it already almost May 1st. I have several big projects at work that I should have completed by May, but I am probably not going to finish them in time. While things are not going to fall apart, if I don't make the deadline, I still would like to try and stay on schedule.
I feel like I only have about half of my normal amount of energy.
Tonight, I tried to make popcorn, but ended burning the whole bag. It's a wonder, I didn't set off the smoke alarms.
Last week, I was proud of myself for ordering parts and fixing my own lawn mower.
Lately, I haven't wanted to dwell in a place of grief, so I have been avoiding writing and talking to people.
Thursday night a new Christian grief group starts in Knoxville. I am trying to get up the courage to sign up. I know it will be good for me, but I am dreading the long weekly drive. I think I am also scared to face my grief especially if I have to go alone.
Abigail is still working on her first tooth. I wish I could just make it better for her.
I am about 20 emails behind.
I still need to order a headstone for Jason's grave, but I'm avoiding it because I have no idea what I want it to look like or say.
I feel like I need to make a decision about what to do after the summer. Do I go or stay?
My friend left two days ago, and my house is already a complete disaster. I just can't keep it together, especially with a fussy teething baby.
I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I am wondering when I will be able thinking clearly again.
I am crying as I type this, and I'm not actually sure I have the guts to post such a depressing, honest string of thoughts.
Yesterday, I had a huge craving for chocolate, but I made myself eat broccoli instead.
I still miss my best friend.
I'm mad at my drywall guys because they treat me like a dumb girl who should just let them make all the decisions about my house.
Last week, a couple of people told me they thought I was courageous. I feel anything but courageous. I'm tired, scared, and lonely. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what I have to do to hold it together. It's not courage...it's survival.

Well, that's all the randomness I feel up to writing at the moment. I'm taking a big chance putting all of these thoughts out there for others to read. I guess it is a step toward transparency.

The Great Mouse Hunt

2008-04-28T21:01:00.004-05:00

We've been living in this fixer-upper house for the past three years. Ever since we moved in, we've had a problem with little furry creatures. I've been on a mission to get rid of them, but they are smart little creatures. Somehow they manage to drag dog food halfway across the house and into my kitchen drawers. They chew holes in my kitchen towels and eat every little morsel left out on the kitchen counters. With all of the holes created by our renovations, it is almost impossible to keep up with our mouse population.

Over the last year, I've been a mouse hunter. I've trapped 29 of the rodents. I'm not a girly girl, but I absolutely hate to empty mouse traps, so Jason and I made a deal, if I trap them, he would get rid of them. I only had to empty three traps in the last year. Ever since, Jason died, I've avoided setting traps because I hate to empty them. Now the stupid mice are taking over my house, especially my kitchen.

Yesterday, I came home to the distinct smell of a dead mouse. I've searched everywhere, but to no avail. So now, I am not only hunting live mice, I am also hunting dead ones too!

A Breath of Colorado Air

2008-04-28T20:23:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed that I didn't write a single blog last week. There are several reasons I didn't venture to write. However, the major reason is that I had company. One of my college friends and her son from Colorado stayed with us last week. She came and spent most of the week filling my refrigerator and freezer with yummy, healthy, organic food. Her son was such a sweetie, and Abigail really took to him. After three full days cooking and cleaning, my freezer is filled to the brim with single serving meals and homemade baby food. I have to say that her subtle acts of service really touched me. She met a need that I really didn't consider. When I came home tonight and just popped a healthily frozen meal in the oven, I realized just what a special gift she provided.

On Friday, I was able to take the day off work, and we went for a hike. It was so great to get outside and enjoy a bit of spring weather.

Thanks for a great week Holly!

Elephant In The Room

2008-04-20T22:47:00.005-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to one of my friends. Even though she is one of my best friends, she commented that she felt like there was an elephant in the room whenever she talked to me. If you are unfamiliar with the expression, "elephant in the room" refers to a situation where something major is going on, it's on everyone's mind and impossible to ignore -- like an elephant in the room. But nobody talks about the "elephant" because nobody knows what to do about it.

Recently, I've gotten that feeling from a lot of people, including my closest friends and family. A lot of people tend to feel awkward around me. They don't know what to do or say, and they don't want to risk saying or doing the wrong thing.

I guess I am writing this blog to acknowledge the fact that I understand you may feel a bit awkward around me, and you may not know how to respond to me. Since everyone tends to approach grief differently, here is some advice on how to handle me right now.

For the most part, I'm not overly sensitive. You don't need to agonize about every word you say to me. If you happen to say something that strikes me the wrong way, I understand that you don't mean to hurt me.

It is okay to ask me questions. I'll tell you if I don't want to answer you.

I love to get emails, phone calls, and letters. I am highly encouraged by them. Right now, I'm usually not up to responding, or it may take me a while to respond. However, please know that all of your thoughtful words are greatly appreciated. (Getting mail is one of the highlights of my day!)

It is okay to mention Jason when you are talking to me.

I hate it when people give me that long kind of awkward sympathy stare.

I am also not a big fan of extra long hugs from people I don't know very well. However, I do love hugs from friends.

Please don't send me text messages on my phone. I have to pay $.2o for every text message. I'd rather you call me, or shoot me an email or facebook message.

I tend to do most of my crying and deep mourning when I am alone. I seldom cry when I hanging out or talking to friends.

Some of my friends have been hesitant to share what is going on in their lives with me because they don't want to burden me with their issues or make me feel bad if they are having a great time. Truthfully, I want to hear what is going on with you. If you call me, I will often ask you to tell me about your life. I crave to hear stories about everyday events. It gives me hope that someday, life will take on some sort of normalcy for me. Plus, I actually like having time when I don't have to dwell on me and my issues.

I've have been quieter and more withdrawn lately, but I still like to be around people.
I covet your prayers!

I'm sure there are more things, but it's late and my brain isn't functioning very well. When in doubt ask me. I hope this helps you better understand how to communicate with me. Thank you for hanging in there with me even if the elephant in the room can make it a bit awkward at times.

Speaking of elephants in the room, here is a picture of an elephant that was in the room with me earlier this evening. (Note the pajamas)

Southern Gals

2008-04-20T21:17:00.013-05:00

Although I've lived in the South for almost six years, I couldn't claim to be a true Southern girl because I'd never been to a Civil War reenactment. Today, I decided any more like a true Southerner, but the history nerd in me had a great time. Here are a few pictures of our little adventure.

Abigail's Post

2008-04-17T19:25:00.005-05:00

Tonight, I was trying to type an email to a friend, and a half asleep Abigail kept trying to help me type. I finally gave up trying to work around her. I probably made a big mistake, but I let her type for a couple of minutes.

Here's what Abigail wanted to tell ya'll:

bhnjhiujtmkk-0-.m nhbhbgv c vh kn. edcsbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb21 7657 Q DC ZS```````````````````VFG HBJN YT4343SE 96 ,MJDB V ,N.N N M D 65555555555555555555555555D. g cytyt V1X VV C

Blog Ideas

2008-04-16T22:05:00.002-05:00

I have several blog ideas floating around in my head. I've been meaning to write them, but I haven't got around to it yet. Maybe if I post the titles, it will help motivate me actually write them.

Let's Make A Memory
Elephant In the Room
Thank You Notes
CP Update
The Body of Christ
The Bachelor
A Job For Joy

Okay, now the titles are out there I guess I'll actually have get typing.

Complaining

2008-04-16T21:37:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am in the mood to complain. For those of you who are keeping tabs on me through this blog, please don't worry about me after reading this post. I am okay. I'm just frustrated by everything, and I need to blow off steam. Most of my complaints are stupid, and I know I should come up with things to be thankful for instead. However, I'm in a stinky mood, and I don't feel like being happy or thankful at this time. I just want to wallow. So here are some of my dumb complaints:

Abigail has been a handful the last couple of days. She is fussy and clingy.
Samson is also getting on my nerves. He can't decide if he wants to be inside or outside tonight. I also think he might have some ticks.
The drywalls guys said they were going to start hanging drywall on Tuesday. As of tonight, they still haven't started.
It was 70 and sunny today, and I was stuck in the office.
I have been super emotional the last couple of days, and I've had several breakdowns.
Tonight I yelled at the dog and got frustrated with Abigail. (Not the kind of mom I want to be.)
Tonight after I finally got Abigail to sleep, I poured myself a hot bath. As I was getting in the tub, I spilled the last glass of my drink all over. I think it might have stained my bath towel.
After I cleaned-up my spilled drink, I was enjoying my tub when I heard a mouse rummaging around in the vanity cabinet. I hate mice, and I'm so mad at our plumber I could scream. It ruined my enjoyment of my bath.
I was just curling up in bed with a movie when Abigail started having a nightmare again.
Yesterday, I was able to ride a horse at a friend's house, which was a real treat. Today, I am a bit stiff and sore.
At the risk of sharing too much information...My hormones are kicking in for the first time after Abigail's birth, and they are making my emotions run haywire. I am also mourning the fact that I have to deal with this woman stuff, and I can't even have anymore babies (at least not for a really long time.)
I had to do bookwork and pay bills this morning. Not on the list of my top ten favorite things.
I miss Jason.
I'm am dreading the thought of looking for jobs and having to start a new life somewhere else.

Okay, enough complaining. I feel better just being able to get it all out. Hope your day was better than mine.

Not My Favorite Stage

2008-04-16T19:28:00.002-05:00

Usually, Abigail is full of smiles and laughs. I've been so spoiled/blessed with such an easy going little girl. However the last two days she has been out of sorts, and since I'm not used to a fussy baby, I am frustrated. After being held constantly and spoiled by four people all week last week, the adjustment back to life with just me has been difficult for her. In addition, I can actually see an eye tooth popping through her gums. She is also getting pretty mobile, so she is into everything she can get her hands on reach by rolling. She gets upset with me every time I take away something she should have. I think she is also beginning an attachment phase. Every time I'm out her sight or I turn my back on her, she starts screaming. All that to say, it has been a tough couple of days around the Young house and the office. I don't know how mothers with high maintenance babies do it...you have my respect and sympathy! Well, I am going to end this post because a sleepy Abigail's sitting on my lap trying to help me type, and it isn't working too well. I am hoping she will fall asleep soon, so I can run on the treadmill and take a bath before bed. I just need a little space and time to myself. You can pray that this stage will pass soon!

House Update

2008-04-15T07:02:00.006-05:00

Since I really haven't written much this week, I thought I would at least give my faithful readers a quick update. Last week, my dad and a couple of our friends from his church came out to help me work on the house. I was surprised at how much work the guys managed to finish. My front fireplace room is really the only major room left to finish in the house, and they got it framed, wired, insulated, and ready for drywall. In fact they, accomplished that so quickly that they even had two and half days to help me with other odd and end projects. While they were working on framing, I removed the rust from the fireplace and painted it. All in all a great week of work.

Today, I have a crew of guys coming to hang drywall. I'm hoping it will be ready to paint by this weekend. Then all that remains to finish is a little bit of trim and carpet. Hopefully, I will be completely finished with this room in less than three weeks (considering I really only work on the weekends.) After the fireplace room is completed, I have some touch up paint to do in the rest of the house, and some landscaping to do outside before everything is completed. I am hoping to have the house ready to go on the market July 1st. I'm not sure if I will actually list it at that time, but it will just be nice to have it ready if I decide to move this fall.

While the guys were working on the house, Georgia watched Abigail. Abigail, loved having attention all the time. Since Dad, Darrell and Georgia left yesterday, Abigail is going through Georgia withdraw and missing her Grandpa. Yesterday was a little rough at work, as Abigail had to relearn how to entertain herself while I was working.

Here are a few not so great pictures.

Sending Spring Daisies

2008-04-11T20:59:00.002-05:00

The Reinforcements Have Arrived

2008-04-09T21:27:00.005-05:00

If you read my blog on a regular basis, you will notice that I will probably not post much this week. On Monday evening, my dad and a couple from our church in Iowa, Darrell and Georgia, arrived to help me attack the last room in the house that needs to be remodeled. The goal is to be ready for drywall by the time they leave at the end of the week. So far, they are right on schedule. (I can't believe the amount of work they accomplished today.)

They came at almost the perfect time. I was starting to slip into a bit of a distant, reclusive mood, so it has been good for me to be surrounded by people again for a while. I normally love to be right in the middle of the work projects getting my hands dirty and manning the saw. This time however, I've barely helped at all. Between watching Abigail, making meals, and running in to work at the office off and on, I've probably only helped about 10 minutes. In fact, today I was so exhausted that Abigail and I took a two hour nap in the hammock in the middle of the afternoon while everyone else worked. (Not like me at all!)

Anyway, here is a picture of dad and me at work. (I'm the headless one in the green shirt.)

Well, speaking of exhaustion, I'm off to sleep and it is only 9:45. I guess all of the 1:00am bedtimes are finally catching up to me. If you're praying for me, you can pray for a productive and safe week of work, good fellowship, and my mind and body will get the rest I need.

Good night.

Verses

2008-04-06T22:13:00.002-05:00

This morning a couple of verses really jumped out at me.

1 Peter 5:6-10
"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

Pals, Pedicures and Procrastination

2008-04-06T00:12:00.007-05:00

Over the course of the last couple of months, tons of people helped me and encouraged me in a thousand different ways. However, Deborah and Renee have gone above and beyond. They did everything from help me plan and coordinate the funeral, to keeping me company with sleepovers, to screening my phone calls, to bringing me coffee and donuts on my lonely mornings, to watching Abigail when I needed a break, to a hundred other things I probably don't even know about.

As a small way to say thank you for their genuine love and care, I invited them to join me this morning for a pampering spa pedicure. Here's the result.

Following our pampering and a crazy trip to the grocery store, I had great intentions of coming home, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and attacking the other items on my to do list. Instead, I came home and started procrastinating. I wasted the rest of the day and night sitting in front of the TV, and I don't even really like to watch TV. I think my procrastination is just my way of coping and avoiding reality. The only thing I have to show for my day is cute toes, 10 thank you notes, and this one lousy blog post. (Technically, it's after midnight, so this blog post doesn't really even count.)

Of Budgets and Brownies

2008-04-04T21:25:00.003-05:00

Tonight I planned to work on my budget. I am trying to run the numbers and figure out if I can cover all our expenses without having to dig in to Abigail's Social Security Check or our insurance money. Jason and I made it a point to live on only one income and use my income to work on the house or buy other big ticket items like furniture. However, we were living on his income not mine. I'm sure I can make it work, but I really need to play with the numbers and figure out the cash flow. After sitting down with the numbers for about 10 minutes, I decided I needed a break.

Every good budget break needs a trip to the kitchen. As was hunting for a snack I came across a couple of boxes of brownie mixes. A little known fact: brownies are my dessert of choice. Once I make a pan, I can't stop eating them. I even love brownies for breakfast. I could usually eat a whole pan in two to three days. I started with one or two & a then I would have to straighten out my crooked cuts. Next thing I knew, half the pan was gone.

Once he discovered my weakness for the soft fudgey treat, Jason always gave me a hard time about and claimed that if he didn't steal the first couple of pieces, he wouldn't get any. I used all my will power to make them last as long as possible & make sure Jason got last one. That way he couldn't blame me for scarfing down the whole pan. Jason also started hiding the pan of brownies, so I had to hunt for them and I wouldn't eat the whole thing for breakfast.

So tonight, I made my first pan of brownies without Jason. I only ate three, and then I hid the pan the same place Jason hid it last time. It was such a great spot it took me two days to find it. By the time I discovered it, Jason had only left me two brownies. Maybe I'll forget about the chocolaty goodness tomorrow morning, and manage to make it through the day without annihilating the rest of the pan. I can only hope.

After my brownie break, I decided it was also time to take a budget break until tomorrow... Hurray for breaks and brownies.

Wishful Thinking

2008-04-04T20:04:00.006-05:00

It's been a long rainy week. Abigail and I are longing to enjoy some spring weather. Once again, today started off wet and gloomy. In attempt to brighten our day, I dressed Abigail in her summer tye-dye and I broke out my Chacos. (Oh spring...please hurry.)

Jenna, Ruthie & the CP Staff...this photo is for you!

1:00am

2008-04-02T01:09:00.006-05:00

It is 1:00am. I tried to sleep, but I just couldn't doze off. I gave up, so here I am. I have a bunch of blog ideas rolling around in my head, but I don't have the energy to compose anything of substance at the moment.

My posts have been sad and dark as of late. That's just where I'm at right now. It is taking every bit of strength I have and every prayer I can muster to get me out of bed this week. However, instead of dwelling on those things, here are a few things that have made me smile (or at least not cry).

Abigail is becoming so fun and interactively lately. A few days ago, I let her play on the floor while I went to let the dog outside. I came back into the room, and somehow she had managed to roll over to the stereo, turn on the radio and open both cassette tape decks. I know she likes music, but I had no idea she was so serious about it.
I've gotten lots of great emails from friends lately. It has been encouraging even though I haven't gotten around to writing most of them back.
Watching Abigail & Samson play has been cracking me up. He loves to give her kisses, and she squeals for more.

I can't really think of anything else right now....No funny stories as of late. However, I did come across this picture. It is one of my favorites, and it always makes me laugh

Well, I should end this ridiculous post and just go to sleep...maybe after and midnight snack.

April 1st

2008-04-01T21:00:00.004-05:00

Five years ago today, was one of the happiest days of my life. After a quiet little Italian dinner, Jason asked me to marry him (the story), and I cried tears of joy.

Five years later, once again April 1st brought tears to my eyes. This time there was no romantic Italian dinner, only a Subway sandwich alone if front the the TV. No tears of joy, only tears of disappointment and pain. No Jason.

A Chocolate Bunny

2008-03-29T23:29:00.005-05:00

Okay, so most of this week's posts have been kind of surface level. I'm not sure I really want to fill you in on what is going on below the surface, but I know I need to be open and vulnerable. If I don't, I risk just bottling up my thoughts, and I know that is not healthy for me right now.

The truth is last weekend (Easter weekend) was excruciatingly painful. I pretty much cried all weekend long, unless I was with other people. I was just hurting, lonely, and missing my best friend. It hurt so much...I didn't know anything could be so painful.

This week, I have been so busy, that I haven't let myself dwell on anything. Yes, there have been some tears everyday, but they've been short-lived. I guess it is my way of coping, since I don't think I can face the kind of pain I dealt with last weekend. I just can't go back to that emotional place again right now.

I recently received an email from someone who lost her husband a few years ago. In her email she talked about attending a grief group where she was asked to use an animal to describe herself. Her email made me start thinking about what animal I would use to describe myself right now. Finally, it came to me. I'm like a chocolate bunny. (I realize that a chocolate bunny is not a real animal, but who cares.)

As a child, every Easter I wanted one of those six inch chocolate bunnies. I'm not sure why I was fascinated with them, but I remember that I actually bought one at my Aunt Donna's store one year. I was so excited about my chocolate bunny only to bite off the ear and realize it was hollow inside. It still tasted good, but somehow I felt jipped because there was nothing inside.

That's where I am at emotionally right now. On the outside, I am somewhat holding it together as long as you don't leave me in the sun or the heat too long. However, on the inside I feel hollow, empty, and a bit numb.

I'm not sure if this analogy makes sense to anyone but me. However, it is the best way I can describe the way I've been feeling this week. Outwardly, I'm going through the motions, but inwardly I'm empty like the chocolate bunny.

Sweet Sailor

2008-03-29T23:18:00.002-05:00

A Busy Week (Just the Facts)

2008-03-29T22:03:00.008-05:00

Well, I know that several of you out there are reading my blog because some of you are starting to check on me and see if I am okay since I haven't written all week. I am still here, and I'm hanging in there. It has been a really busy week for me. I worked all week, and I did something every evening.

Monday- I went and visited my insurance agent and made changes to all my insurance policies. I also invested in life insurance, so if anything happens to me, there will be money to take care of Abigail. Now, I just have seen about a will. (Yuck...I not a big fan of all of this adult stuff.)

Tuesday- I took a Zumba class, and didn't get home until late. (More about Zumba later.)

Wednesday- I went to dinner at church. Then I noticed that Abigail felt a bit warm. When I got home, I took her temp and discovered that she had a slight fever. About bedtime, she was fussy and restless, so I let her sleep in bed with me. She slept pretty fitfully, so I was up a lot of the night. About 3:00am I noticed she was extremely warm, so I took her temp again. She had a fever of 102, which is high for such a little one. I didn't have any baby Tylenol, since she has never been sick before. So about 3:30 am Abigail and I made a trip to Wal-mart. I'm sure the clerk thought I was crazy for dragging my baby out at such an hour. After getting Tylenol & dog food (Samson had fasted the two previous days), we came home. We were able to catch a couple hours of sleep, but morning definitely came too early.

Thursday- I met a friend for lunch & had another Zumba class after work. Abigail was still running a bit of a fever.

Friday- Abigail's fever finally seemed to disappear. Although, she still has a bit of a stuffy nose. After the funeral, a couple of my friends arranged for me to have a massage. I finally got it arranged for Friday evening. It was exactly what the Doctor ordered! (I have to say, that I love being pampered!) I also had a late dinner and chat with the Velkers, and I fell into bed about 10:00.

Saturday- Another rainy weekend...yuck. I'm ready for some fresh air. After a morning of running errands, I settled in to a task I've been putting off. I wrote about 40 thank you notes, and I'm finally about halfway through my list.

So that was my week in an nutshell. I know that it wasn't too crazy compared to some people, but I'm not used to so much busyness. The only good part was that I too busy to dwell on my loneliness and pain.

Zumba

2008-03-27T21:47:00.006-05:00

My friend Deborah convinced me to join her on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a Zumba class. For those of you not familiar with the term Zumba, here's my best definition.

The word Zumba comes from a Colombian word that means to move fast and have fun. It is actually a fitness program that combines dance steps and exercises to help tone the body. While Zumba was actually inspired by Latin music, our teacher combines Latin, African tribal, and hip hop music into a crazy and fun workout.

If Jason knew I was taking this class he would laugh his head off. I am one of the world's klutziest and most uncoordinated people. Whenever the two of us a tried to dance is was a disaster. Two totally clueless dancers both trying to lead...ridiculous! He would laugh at the fact that I am actually trying to do dance steps to get exercise.

Anyway, despite my two left feet, I am enjoying the fun, crazy workout. Plus, it gives me some exercise and gets me out of the house, so for the next couple of weeks I am going to Zumba away!

Nightmares

2008-03-23T23:21:00.004-05:00

Abigail is usually a great sleeper. However, tonight she has had three nightmare episodes, and it is not quite midnight. She is sound asleep, but she will start screaming and flailing. I have to wake her up and calm her down. During this last episode, nursing was the only way I could get her to calm down. She has gone through this before, and it usually happens about the time she has a big growth spurt. I'm familiar enough with her nightmares, that it doesn't freak me out anymore. However, I just feel so bad for the poor little thing. I wonder what is going through her little mind that is scaring her so much. I wish there was some way I could fix it for her, but there is really nothing I can do except pray, comfort her and wait for it to pass.

A few months ago, Abigail went through a stage like this for about three days. During that time, Jason took her in his arms and prayed aloud for her and things that were going through her little mind. It always melted my heart. I miss him, so much. I wish he was here to hold us and pray with us. In his absence, perhaps you can join me in prayer for Abigail's little mind and sweet sleep.

Choosing an Easter Egg

2008-03-23T17:43:00.002-05:00

Easter Morning

2008-03-23T09:05:00.002-05:00

A Song

2008-03-22T23:18:00.002-05:00

Here's a song I heard on the radio today that resonated with me. I think the video is a bit cheesy, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

Passover Sader

2008-03-22T23:00:00.004-05:00

With everything that has been going in the last couple of months, Easter kind of snuck up on me this year. During the Easter season this year, Jason and I had big plans to introduce our church to some prayer stations that parallel the events of Jesus last week on prior to His crucifixion. Without Jason, I didn't feel up to taking on the project, so I guess I've kind of avoiding thinking about Easter.

Anyway, in preparation for Easter this year, our church planned a Sader, which is a traditional Jewish Passover meal. I haven't been to a Sader meal in probably 15 years, so I was excited to attend tonight. Being a total history and culture geek, I loved the meal and learning about significance and origin of the elements of the Jewish Passover Meal. The church did an excellent job of hosting and explaining the meal. (Plus, it helped get me out of my funk for a couple of hours.)

The Dam is Breaking

2008-03-22T22:07:00.005-05:00

If I ran into you around town or you called me on the phone and asked me how I am doing, I would probably tell you "I'm hanging in there." However, the truth is that after six weeks the dam is starting to break and my tears are beginning to gush out. Today, I drove to town to drop off some bills. As soon as my business was finished, I started driving aimlessly around town listening to the radio and crying my eyes out.

I'm not normally a music person, but recently I've decided that music is really the language of the soul. Currently, I can't listen to music without being moved to laughter or tears (more frequently tears). Today, everything I heard touched me, so I turned off the radio only to get frustrated by the silence and turn it back on again.

After an hour and a half of driving and crying I decided to go to a friend's house for a hug. I know I didn't have to explain my tears to her, which is good because my pain is too deep for words. she just let me cry and hug.

If you noticed that I've been a bit distant lately, it is because I don't even know how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. I feel like half of me is missing.

Jason and I had kind of a difficult first year of marriage. We deeply loved each other, but it took the two of us a while to learn to communicate and understand each other. We both said that we never realized how stubborn and selfish we were until we got married. However, that first difficult year helped us to learn about each other and understand each other needs and thoughts. I definitely attribute much of our happy marriage to God and the difficult lessons He taught us that first year.

Now, almost five years latter, I know Jason so intimately. I know what he would think and say about almost everything. It makes it difficult for me to do simple everyday tasks like grocery shopping or driving around town. I find myself picking out food and things that Jason would choose. I also find myself shaking my head at things that would irk him or make him laugh. Today, without thinking I ordered myself a large Mocha with 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 raspberry. (That's Jason's froufrou coffee drink of choice.)

Jason had an efficient method for almost everything. When we first got married it sometimes drove me nuts. I'm a bit impulsive and messy, but Jason was always logical and efficient. However, almost without noticing I've adapted many of his methods. It is not as is I ceased to be my own independent person when we got married. However, in a very real sense, the two us became one. Now half of me is missing, and I crying for the missing half.

Wandering Wal-mart

2008-03-22T00:15:00.004-05:00

Tonight I was really missing Jason, so I left the house. Since Crossvegas does not exactly offer a plethora of evening activities, I decided to hang out at the most happening place in town...Wal-Mart. I figured that Wal-Mart on a Friday night would offer me a enough distraction and entertainment. Instead of taking my mind off Jason, everything is reminded me of him. I was wandering aimlessly around the store putting odd combinations of items in my buggie (or shopping cart for all of you non-Southerners). I'm sure I looked like a complete freak carrying Abigail in a sling with tears streaming down my face trying out baby toys. If that is not weird enough, my cart was filled with completely random things like tennis shoes, oil, baby socks, yogurt, a movie, oranges, sunglasses, a tooth brush, tomato juice, stationary, African tribal music, dog bones and a pair of pants.

People who have gone through intense grief before tell me the days get harder before they get easier. When will it start getting easier? I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I miss him so much it's gut-wrenching. I can't even fathom hurting more.

Sitting and Smiling

2008-03-21T23:12:00.004-05:00

Okay...I know I post of a lot of pictures of Abigail, but I just couldn't resist showing off this one. Abigail is now able to sit up by herself for several minutes at a time, and I'm a proud mommy.

What Not To Say

2008-03-19T21:36:00.001-05:00

Over the course of the last month, I've realized that it is difficult to figure out what to say to someone who is grieving. I'll be the first to admit that I'd have no idea what to say to one of my friends if it was her husband who had passed away. How do you find words for moments like these?

I realize that people mean well, but sometimes their words come across the wrong way. I want people to feel free to express their thoughts to me without feeling like they need to walk on eggshells. However, there a few things you just shouldn't say.

Over the last few weeks, I've mentally complied a what not to say list to someone who is grieving the loss of their spouse. I'd like to share a few of them with you...

5. "So what are you going to do now/in the future?" - I was so frustrated with people who asked me this question the first week. I was still in shock...How the heck was I supposed to know what I was going to do in the future, when I couldn't even figure out how I was going to get through the day... I was okay with close friends and family members asking me and helping me sort through some immediate options, but it was awkward coming from people I didn't know very well.

4. "Are you doing okay?" I was fine with people asking "How are you doing?" because I could come up with answers without lying. However, I never knew how to respond to people who asked if I was okay. What I really wanted to say was, "Of course I'm not okay! How can I be okay? My world is falling apart..I just lost my best friend and closest companion. Would you be okay? What is your definition of okay? If you mean that I'm not curled up on the floor in a fetal position bawling my eyes out, then yes, I'm okay?"

3. "I guess it was God's Will." Several people said this to me at the funeral or via cards. While I know that God works all things together for good, I don't want to hear this particular phrase at that time. It is a good thing I know and trust God, because if I didn't, I think this statement would have completely turned me off to God and Christianity.

2. "My dad died when I was six months old ,and it was so horrible on my mother and my family." An older gentleman in our church said this to me at funeral. He then proceeded to go into more details about how difficult it was for them. While I know he was just trying to relate to me and empathize with me, his description was so discouraging. I my mind, I was screaming at him, "You're not helping!" Outwardly, I just smiled and thanked him.

1. "Oh honey, you're young. You'll find someone else." Believe it or not, one lady said this to me at the funeral. I was shocked!

My Poor Plants

2008-03-18T21:33:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was catching up with my sister-in-law on the phone, and she asked about the plants that I mentioned in my blog entitled "My Black Thumb." Truthfully, I don't think the plants I kept are going to make it. Despite my best effort and a good dose of Miracle Grow, I think I will need to put the poor plants out of their misery soon....Sad day!

Big Abigail, Little Abigail

2008-03-17T22:46:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, I went to a friend's house for dinner. My friend's daughter is also named Abigail, and she has a special bond with Baby Abigail. While we were waiting for dinner, I let Big Abigail feed Little Abigail. Here's a picture. I think it is so cute because they both look so serious.

Autopsy Report

2008-03-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

Saturday afternoon, I got a copy of the final autopsy report in the mail. I have been in a funk ever since. The results were kind of what I expected, so I don't know why I'm so upset by it. I should be relieved to have an answer, but I think maybe it made everything feel so final. (He's not coming back.)

Basically the report said, (in non-medical terms) Jason died of a heart attack due to clogged arteries.

You can pray that I can manage to stop the "what if/guilt" scenarios that keep playing over and over in my head. I know that there really wasn't anything I could have done, but that doesn't stop me from questioning.

They say this guilt complex is a common part of the grieving process. Let me tell you...it sucks! I hope you never have to go through it.

Laughter and Tears

2008-03-15T22:09:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning, it was pouring rain, so Abigail and I had a lazy morning. We lounged around in our pajamas until almost noon and played on the floor in Abigail's room. While we were playing, I broke down and started sobbing. For some reason the sound of my sobbing made Abigail laugh. The more I cried, the more she laughed. Her giggles made me quit crying and start laughing too.

Ringtones

2008-03-15T21:20:00.000-05:00

The other day I got a new cell phone. I was going to change my ringer only to realize that my phone only came with 5 preprogrammed ringer options. After becoming frustrated about getting less stuff for more money, I decided to explore the ringtone option. As I was exploring, I came across a Lifehouse song that I've never heard before. These lyrics resonated with way I have been feeling lately.

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm barely holding on to you)

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holding on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating in the pain
There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on

Barely holding on to you (I'm still holding on)
Barely holding on to you

(In case you are wondering, I gave up looking for ringtones, and settled for a the standard ringer. Let me know if you have any ringtone suggestions.)

Midnight Confessions

2008-03-12T23:56:00.000-05:00

It's almost midnight on my third night home alone. I'm exhausted, but I can't quite convince myself to turn out the light and try to go to sleep. As I lounge here, a million thoughts keep rolling through my head. I have some confessions to make:

I ate two bowls of Mayfield ice cream yesterday.
I am still sleeping in the guest room, since I don't have the guts to move back to the master bedroom yet.
I cried today when I saw a car drive past with two kayaks on top.
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I want to run away somewhere, but I know that there is no place I can run that reality won't follow me.
I'm trying to be brave and strong, but I'm scared about the future.
I've eaten food or leftovers from a restaurant 9 of my last 10 meals.
I've been surrounded by family and friends. My phone has been ringing off the hook, but I'm still lonely.
I like emailing and talking to Jason's mom because I know she understands.
I'm trying to hold things together at CP, but if I don't get help soon, it is all going to fall apart.
I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to keep dreaming about giving CPR.
I am avoiding writing Thank You notes.
I don't know what to do with this upcoming weekend, so I almost wish I had to work.
I went on mini shopping spree and bought two new pairs of pants, two shirts and a sweater.
I went and applied for Social Security today. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt a sense of relief.
I'm not sure I want to get the autopsy report back because I'm afraid that maybe there was something else I should have done to help Jason.
I'm scared to be a single mom.
I've felt humbled and encouraged by all of the people all over the world who prayed for me this month.
I'm supposed to be an adult, but I feel like a little kid in way over her head.
Whenever I find Jason's clothes or things laying around the house, I put them back where they belong. (I keep thinking that he's going to need to find them).
I'm relieved that Jason was so insistent about keeping all of our paperwork neatly filed.
I slept in a skirt the last two nights because I'm too lazy to do laundry.
I've only read my Bible twice in the last month. (Partially because Jason gave it to me for Christmas).
I want to be a stay at home mom and just love on Abigail, but I'm afraid I'll have to put her in daycare. It breaks my heart because I want to be the one who gets to stay with her all day.
If Abigail and I had passports, I think I would have gone to Italy last week.
I had a bizarre dream about a grief support group last night.
I'm kind of feeling guilty that this entire post is all about me and how sorry I am feeling for myself when I know there are so many people suffering so much more than I am right now.
I'm avoiding a lot of stuff I just don't want to deal with yet.
I watched two movies last night, so I didn't have to deal with the silence.
I hope Abigail doesn't start crawling for a while, because I'm not ready for her to grow up.
It is after midnight, but I still wish someone would call me on the phone and tell me about their life and their day, so I don't have to think about mine.

Morning Snuggle

2008-03-12T09:11:00.000-05:00

Last night was my first night home alone (with Samson and Abigail). It was tough but not horrible, mostly due to great friends who brought me dinner and others who talked to me on the phone until midnight. This morning, Jason wasn't around for our morning routine, so I took the extra time to snuggle Abigail. Here's a picture of her after I snuggled her back to sleep.

My Black Thumb

2008-03-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that people give plants at funerals? I’m not sure exactly why people choose to give plants. I guess plants are supposed remind the grieving that life goes on or that growth can occur even after such sadness. Perhaps, it is to serve as a living reminder of the dead loved one. Whatever the reason, I ended up with several plants.

After the funeral, I looked at the number of plants I had received and laughed. If Jason were alive, I know he would be laughing too. I am infamous for my black thumb (the opposite of a green thumb).

The spring after we got married, I decided that I wanted to plant some flowers and a tomato plant. Since we lived in a little duplex, all of our plants had to be in a planter or a pot. Jason humored me by letting me go all out and buy a bunch of flowers and pots. He even bought me a plant stand for my planter. I was so proud of my flowers. Two days later, a freak late frost killed them all. Jason laughed and told me to buy another round of less expensive varieties. I waited a week before I planted them. Unfortunately, I planted them just before summer staff training. During training, Jason and I lived out at camp for three weeks, so my poor plants did not receive any TLC or water. They were almost dead when we returned home. I tried to revive them, but Samson knocked over the planter one day when I was a work, and I came home to plants and dirt everywhere. I managed to salvage a few, but some including the tomato plan just didn’t make it. I replaced the tomato plant and a few of the flowers. Throughout our busy summer, my poor flowers, barely survived. The tomato plant had stunted growth. It managed to sprout two small tomatoes, but they turned black and fell off the vine before they ripened. I was proud that a couple of flowers survived my neglect and managed to make it to August. Later I learned, that the only reason they survived was because our neighbor lady felt sorry for them and she would sneak over to water them while we were gone. After that disaster summer of flowers, Jason managed to convince me not to buy any more flowers.

So…back to the funeral plants. I decided that not all of the plants should suffer my neglect. I sent several home with my mom for safe keeping. (After all she still has a plant from my Grandfather’s funeral 15 years ago). I gave one to a friend to replant for me. I kept the other two. When I was out of town, I asked some friends to water them for me. While I was gone, my plants accidentally got left outside overnight. I returned home to find them in rough shape. I’m not sure they’re going to make it.

It is a really good thing that I know that Jason would laugh to know my poor plants might not make it. He would have expected it. At least this way I can think of Jason and laugh if they die instead of cry these plants that were supposed to be a living reminder of Jason didn’t make it more than a month or two.

Spoiled

2008-03-11T09:40:00.000-05:00

Abigail is spoiled. She’s had a month of constant activity and numerous people to pay attention to her. Not to mention the fact that for the past couple of weeks, she’s been drifting off to sleep in Grandma or Grandpa’s arms as they rock her into her afternoon nap.

Today was our first day back in the office and back to our normal routine. The morning hours flew by as I tried to get the office in some semblance of order and catch up on mail and phone calls. The afternoon was a different story all together. Life was good until it was time for Abigail’s afternoon nap. When I put her down for her nap, she pulled out her ear-piercing “I’m mad” scream, and wouldn’t stop screaming and crying for a half an hour. I only picked her up briefly to help her calm down a little bit, so she could drift off to sleep. Not working…

She’s spoiled that’s all there is to it. I told her she was spoiled and she was to have to get it together and get back into our routine (like she understood a word I said.) Then I let her cry. As I watched her cry, I sat down on the floor next to her and started sobbing right along with her. It realized that I too am spoiled.

Jason liked to spoil me. He took care of all of the stuff I didn’t want to do. He managed our money, paid the bills, fixed the cars, dealt with insurance, took care of computer problems, researched our big purchases, did the taxes, planned the house remodeling projects and much more. He also helped me with daily task like cooking, cleaning, and changing diapers. Not mention the fact that he brought me flowers about once a month, and he always went crazy buying gifts for me on the holidays. He made sure I was taking care of myself by going out with the girls on a regular basis. He fixed me bubble baths, complete with candles, music, something to drink, a bath pillow and a warm bath robe.

I’m spoiled that’s all there is to it. I’m going to have to get over being spoiled, and start dealing with the things I don’t like. I’m going to have to begin new routines, and start being thankful for all the things I used to take for granted. I don’t want to…I’d rather be spoiled and cry like Abigail until someone picks me up and rocks me to sleep.

Eventually, Abigail cried herself to sleep, and I made myself get up and go back to work. I’m sure there will be more tears, before we both get over being spoiled.

The Toughest Day So Far

2008-03-10T17:04:00.000-05:00

I think today has probably been one of the toughest days of my life. I don't have time to share all the details because I need to meet some friends for dinner. However, I thought I would share a picture that brightened my day.

Baby Dedication

2008-03-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

The church we attend supposedly practices infant dedication. For those of you not familiar with the practice, an infant dedication is a ceremony where the parents of a baby or young child stand before the church body to commit to teach their child about Christ and agree to raise him or her in the ways of the Lord. The members of the church body agree to support the parents and help instruct the child. I think it is a powerful ceremony because it calls to the parents and the church body to accountability and gives a sense of family within the body of Christ.

A couple of months, ago Jason and I were having dinner with the pastor’s family. We commented on the fact that in the four years that we’ve attended our church, we didn’t recall ever seeing a ceremony. When we asked about the lack of infant dedication services, the pastor responded that they were waiting until all of the expected babies in the church were born. The comment made us laugh because our church is large enough that if we wait for all the babies to be born, we’ll never have a baby dedication service.

Low and behold a week or two after our conversation with the pastor, an announcement appeared in the church bulletin. The church was having a baby dedication on March 9th, and any family that wanted to participant in the service should sign up in the church office. Of course Jason and I signed up right way, especially because we felt like we helped instigate the service.

March 9th is tomorrow. I can’t even think about the baby dedication service without crying. (As you can probably imagine, I am sobbing as I type this blog.) I know I have to participate, but I don’t know where I am going to find the courage and strength to stand in front of the church body and not breakdown. Baby dedications are supposed to be a happy ceremony, and I think at least six other families are participating. I don’t want to ruin the joy of the ceremony for the other families involved.

I don’t want to stand before the congregation alone to dedicate Abigail. Several people have offered to stand with me, but I don’t feel right about that either. Abigail is my daughter, and I have to take the parental responsibility for her spiritual upbringing. It is my duty and privilege.

Right now, I am feeling weight of being a single mom. Please keep me in your prayers this Sunday morning.